A one-step deep-dive analysis to get you back on track
Do you feel like your life has gotten a bit off track? Here’s how to rediscover your ‘why’ and feel more satisfied every day.
For most of us, our ‘why’ acts as an internal compass. When we know and use it every day to guide our actions, then we feel happier. There’s a spring in our step, a smile on our face, and things seem to click.
But for those of us who aren’t young whippersnappers, it’s not about finding it; It’s about rediscovering it.
After getting caught up in our careers and starting families, sometimes our ‘why’ gets pushed into a corner, beneath a table, covered with a table cloth, and collects dust.
It’s not intentional. It just happens.
One day you wake up and realize that you don’t know why you’re still in a job you hate, or an industry that no longer aligns with your values.
What you do know is that it’s sucking the life out of you. You’re thinking about jumping ship, but your family counts on you. What are you supposed to do?
This is where rediscovering your ‘why’ is important.
How I rediscovered my ‘why’
There’s something about your late forties that causes you to stop and take stock. I’ve been doing that a lot the past few years. After deciding to close our tea business and pursue something new, I discovered that I was lost.
I couldn’t figure out my ‘why.’ It took a few years of solid work to recognize that it had been there all along. What I needed to do was rediscover my ‘why’ not find a new one! Here’s what I realized:
My mission is to positively influence others to achieve or exceed their goals one bite-size step at a time.
Kori D. Miller
This didn’t pop into my head overnight. It happened after doing a deep-dive into positive psychology that culminated in earning a graduate certificate from the University of Missouri-Columbia.
Fifteen hours of focused coursework and many more hours studying helped me rediscover my ‘why.’
Source: giphy.com
How you can rediscover your ‘why’
If you’re struggling with rediscovering your ‘why,’ you’ll find it by examing what you’ve done up to this point.
To get started, ask yourself these questions:
With whom did I spend my time growing up?
What did I learn from them that I still use today?
What did I love doing?
What was I most proud of as a kid?
These questions might seem trivial, but they’re not. If, for example, your answer to “What did I love doing?” is playing video games, then dig a little deeper. What about that activity did you love so much? What did playing games do for you that nothing else did?
If your answer is, “Sports. I loved playing sports.” What made you love it so much?
Maybe when you were growing up you spent time with a few unsavory types. Why? What drew you to them? What pushed you in another direction?
Your goal is to identify themes lurking inside your answers.
For me, I realized that some of my happiest moments came from helping and defending other people. When I taught people something new, or they reached a goal they didn’t believe possible, I felt AWESOME! I also loved using my writing skills to communicate useful information to others.
As I examined the various jobs I’ve done, my 10-year career in training & development, our tea business, and the relationships I’ve had, these themes surfaced again, and again.
So, what could I do in the next phase of my career path that would allow me to do those things now? This is what led me to start Ardent Path and to begin writing about positive psychology.
Your theme-focused mission
After you identify themes, start formulating your ‘why.’ Here are a few guidelines:
Write a few drafts.
Play with the wording.
Keep it to one sentence.
This will become your mission.
Now that you have your ‘why’ written as your personal mission it becomes easier to see where it fits or doesn’t fit into your current career.
For example, I couldn’t see myself doing training and development work in the tea industry. It didn’t even sound interesting to me. Writing about tea wasn’t going to help me fulfill my mission of helping people achieve their goals. After 13 years in the tea industry, I decided to close the business.
But, you don’t have to jump ship like I did.
What could you do in your current job or industry that would allow you to live your ‘why’ more fully? It might not require a job or career change. Maybe you need more or different responsibilities. If that’s the case, then schedule time to talk with your supervisor.
If making changes at your current job won’t work, then where can you express your ‘why’? Maybe you can fulfill your mission through volunteer work. Sometimes volunteering offers much more than the fulfillment of our personal mission. It also can lead to paid opportunities.
After you’ve cleaned the dust from your ‘why,’ and refashioned it into your mission, you’ll be surprised by how many places you can fulfill it.
Patience, contemplation time, and tenacity are all you need to rediscover your ‘why!’
What is tenacity?
Sky One via YouTube
The quality of being tenacious, or of holding fast; persistence; determination
It’s asking questions until you find the answers you need.
It’s getting up every day, setting goals for yourself, and hitting the ground running.
You always have two choices: your commitment versus your fear.
Sammy Davis, Jr.
You’re standing in front of this door. Behind you are all of the places you’ve traveled, the people you’ve met, and the choices that have landed you here.
Photo credit: Qimono via Pixabay
What do you do?
Do you stay on this side of lucky number 13, or do you open the door?
Do you take a little peek, or do you step through without a glance back?
Stepping into the unknown is a strange combination of trepidation and exhilaration.
Which one tugs at your being the strongest?
Answering this question, gives you tremendous insights into who you are at your core.
It’s neither good nor bad. It simply is. What you do with the knowledge is up to you.
Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
Viktor E. Frankl
It was Senior year of high school, if I recall correctly. My memory isn’t what it used to be, but then, no one’s really is. Memory is like a file cabinet with a false bottom. But that’s a discussion for another post.
Back to high school circa 1987-88. The subject? Psychotheology.
Psycho what, now?
I had no idea, but it was an honors-level religion class and sounded a lot more interesting than any of my other options.
There are only three things I remember about the class.
The teacher was new and her enthusiasm for the subject was a bit frightening.
We had to journal every day, and our teacher read the journal.
We read Viktor Frankl’s, Man’s Search for Meaning.
Robert Frost wrote several amazing poems, but in sixth grade I was forced to memorize a stanza.
I shall be telling this with a sigh, somewhere ages and ages hence, two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.
Not too shabby X number of years later, huh? (No, I didn’t look it up. Sr. Theresa was serious about her poetry lessons.)
Back to Viktor Frankl…
I still have the book. It wasn’t logotherapy that caught my attention; I had no clue what he was talking about back then.
What captured my mind and heart were the words he used to describe his experience and the experience of those around him.
There was hope amidst tremendous tragedy.
Throughout the years, his book has come up in various conversations while I’ve pursued my master’s. And each time I tell myself, “You should read it, again.”
But I don’t.
I don’t think I ever will.
For me the lesson was about hope, resilience, compassion, and understanding who really has the power in a seemingly hopeless situation.
“We must believe that we are gifted for something and that this thing, at whatever cost, must be attained.”
~ Marie Curie
What’s your dream career? What is the one thing you’d do even if no one paid you?
For me, it was training and development work. I spent 10 years teaching people how to find, keep, and move up in their job. In addition to this, I taught “soft skills” and how to provide excellent customer service. When I entered the field I had no idea how much I would love it.
Then I left. There were good reasons for me to leave at the time. I’m sharing this with you because sometimes, we have to take a few steps away or back so that we can see the big picture.
In 2003, I started a tea company from the ground up, became an expert, and enjoyed teaching people about tea and tisanes. But (I bet you saw this coming!) after several years I realized something was missing. It wasn’t until I made the decision to return to school for a master’s degree that I finally figured it out.
I’d walked away from my mission and I felt it in my soul.
What are you walking away from? What’s the gift that you have to share with everyone at whatever cost?
You won’t be content until you return to what your heart is telling you to do.
Will it be easy? Maybe. Will it be challenging? Probably. Will you feel deeply satisfied every time your head hits the pillow because you’re “walking your walk, and talking your talk?”
“All that we are is the result of what we have thought.”
~ Buddha
When you spend time tearing yourself down for every small infraction it adds up in big ways. Every time you do it, you’re reinforcing a neural network in your brain that says, “You suck.” And because we all experience a negativity bias or have the propensity to lean toward the bad when experiencing various events in our lives, it’s pretty easy to create a negative feedback loop (one bad thing feeds into another, and so on.)
How do you stop this? Is it as simple as, “think happy thoughts?” Not exactly.
Here are a few steps you can take:
Practice mindfulness (Meditation can happen in several ways, so find what works for you. Here’s a great option: Online MBSR, mindfulness-based stress reduction.)
Exercise (My “go-to” reference for all things in this area comes from Dr. John Ratey, though I also love reading John Medina’s work.)
That’s it, actually. Exercise and mindfulness. If I had to add a third to that list it would be: eat a healthful diet. You don’t have to cut out everything you love; you just need to practice a little self-control. Any guesses about what can help with that?
Mindfulness and exercise.
References:
Medina, J. (n.d.). Brain rules. Retrieved December 24, 2018, from http://www.brainrules.net/about-the-author
Nugent, P. (2013, April 7). Bad is stronger than good. Psychology Dictionary, Professional Reference. Retrieved December 24, 2018, from https://psychologydictionary.org/bad-is-stronger-than-good/
Palouse Mindfulness (n.d.) Retrieved December 24, 2018, from https://palousemindfulness.com/
Ratey, J. (n.d.) Retrieved December 24, 2018, from http://www.johnratey.com/
What happens when we go from thinking only about ourselves to thinking from the perspective of others? We grow in empathy and that empathy can develop into compassion.
Compassion is actionable.
It’s also a choice that we have to make. It’s deciding to acknowledge that we’re contributors to the interactions we have with others as well as what results from those interactions. The buck begins and ends with us.
Compassion involves opening ourselves up — becoming vulnerable while helping someone else move forward.
Having an “other” mindset allows us the freedom to take full responsibility for the relationships we build or choose not to build. This mindset pushes us to take a step back and see people as they are.
Some are struggling. What would it be like to struggle like the person in front of us? How can we help them?
Outward mindsets are both simple and complicated. It all begins with us taking ownership over our thinking and then stepping into the shoes of the person in front of us.
This mindset boils down to something simple: Treat others the way we want to be treated. Or, as Stephen Covey once said, “seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
References
Covey, S. (1989) 7 Habits of highly effective people. New York: Simon & Schuster.
The Arbinger Institute (2016). The outward mindset: seeing beyond ourselves. Oakland, CA: Berrett-Koehler Publishers
