All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.
Havelock Ellis
Whatever is holding us down and keeping us from going after what we say we want is probably something we need to let go.
Whatever is occupying our minds to the point of obsession is probably something we need to let go.
Have you ever chastised yourself for a mistake you might have made only to discover later that either you didn’t make one, or it wasn’t nearly as big a deal as you thought? Me, too.
Being present in the moment is about letting go of stuff — baggage — that’s weighing us down and making us trip over ourselves. It’s keeping us from appreciating and enjoying what’s happening right now.
There are a few lessons in life that are critically important to learn. One of them is knowing when to let something go so that we can focus on the present.
Everything you’ll ever need to know about positioning yourself for success can be learned from watching cats “play fight.”
We have two “inside” cats who vie for power every day. There’s been an increase in their struggle for position since one of our other “inside” cats died a few weeks ago. She was the “middle” kitty protected by the alpha male and despised by the beta male. Now that she’s gone, Dobby (beta) is attacking Harry (alpha).
Harry will win. He always wins. Harry is fatter and arguably slower because of his weight, but he’s infinitely more experienced than Dobby. He’s also more daring. He’s that cat we warn others not to touch. He’s my guard cat.
Some people think I’m joking when I say that.
Jiujitsu is all about technique and experience. Both Harry and Dobby are declawed (front paws – not by us). For a long time I wouldn’t let them outside, but Harry begged. Dobby was scared to venture out.
Now, they’ve both spent so much time outside that Harry has learned when to come inside while Dobby stubbornly remains out. There are coyotes, raccoons, opossums, foxes, and feral cats roaming around our property.
Harry has dispensed with every feral cat that he deemed unworthy. Meanwhile, Dobby kills mice. Nice, but Harry can do that, too.
Harry is a no-nonsense fighter. He’s got more “moves” at his disposal, knows when to execute them, and wins every fight he and Dobby have.
Does this mean the young can’t win? No, but it does mean that they might want to take time learning the basics because, at least in kitty jiujutsu, it’s the basics that win every time.
I’ll have to follow this up with an article about spiders and location. You’ll like it even if you’re terrified of spiders as much as I am.
Is this actually possible? Can we find meaning everywhere? What does it mean to “find meaning?”
This has been a topic of study for more than 50 years, and we still don’t have a complete grasp of it.
What is meaning?
Is it about the work we do? What if we hate our job?
Is it volunteer work? What if we do that because we feel obligated?
How do we find meaning in the mundane? Wait, how do we define mundane?
How do we find meaning in tragedy?
Viktor Frankl asserted that we’re in a constant search for meaning and that our stress and anxiety is rooted in this need to find it. It can be found in happy, sad, and tragic moments (Frankl, 1984).
In Buddhist traditions we learn that life is suffering because of our attachments, i.e., our selfish desire to hold on to things, people, places, etc. (High Commissioner’s Dialogue on Protection Challenges, 2012).
Maybe meaning is simply finding our “why?” as Simon Sinek postulated in his first Ted Talk (TED, 2009).
Regardless of our beliefs about meaning, one thing is clear. Most, if not all of us, are searching. We want to know why we’re here.
Bu then, maybe the answer is 42.
It isn’t. Mark Twain is credited with saying “The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”
Sinek is spot on, and finding your “why” has little to do with the work you do, and everything with how you live the life you’ve got.
References
Burton, N. (2012, May 24). Man’s search for meaning. Psychology Today. Retrieved December 6, 2018 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hide-and-seek/201205/mans-search-meaning
Frankl, V. (1984). Man’s search for meaning. New York, NY: Washington Square Books.
High Commissioner’s Dialogue on Protection Challenges, (2012, November 20). The Buddhist core values and perspectives for protection challenges: faith and protection.
Sinek, S. (2009). How great leaders inspire action. Retrieved December 6, 2018 from https://www.ted.com/talks/simon_sinek_how_great_leaders_inspire_action?language=en
Victor Frankl Institute, 2018. Retrieved December 6, 2018 from https://www.hostgator.com/help/article/hostgator-free-ssl
What does it mean to be an authentic leader even when you’re not in a traditional leadership role?
Authentic people regardless of status “walk the walk, and talk the talk.” They know, understand, and appreciate their strengths, weaknesses, and values. They know how to communicate these three things verbally, in writing, and through their body language. They are consistent.
Authentic people have congruency between what they value and what they do that brings meaning to their lives. These are the people we want to be around. They help us see our own strengths while not calling unnecessary attention to all of our weaknesses. Their touch is light but direct and sincere.
Being an authentic leader applies to many areas beyond the traditional workplace. Think about your teenager who others want to follow because sh/e respects and listens to them, and seems to have an uncanny confidence without all the swagger.
Maybe you know a little girl whom some call bossy without realizing that she’s displaying raw leadership that needs to be honed. She can learn to identify what she values and how to better communicate that to others. You and I simply need to be role models.
Authentic leadership development theory encompasses four areas: self-awareness, relational transparency, balanced processing, and an internalized moral perspective (Dik, Byrne, & Steger, 2017, p. 220). Of these, self-awareness and an internalized moral perspective are the most critical.
These two are the areas we can learn and teach others to practice. When we know our values and allow them to guide our decision-making and relationships we feel at peace with ourselves. When we feel at peace, we feel a greater sense of meaning/purpose. We’re also better able to engage in relational transparency and to look at things objectively because we have no agenda other than to be of service to others.
References
Byrne, Z.S., Dik, B.J.& Steger, M. F. (2017). Purpose and meaning in the workplace. Washington DC: American Psychological Association.
I know you’ve seen that before. It was all the rage in the mid-to-late 90’s when I entered the training & development field (now called “training & learning.”) But is it true?
From a purely emotional contagion perspective, yeah, it is. And deep down we all know this.
Imagine your day got off on the wrong foot. Maybe you had an argument with a loved one. Maybe your kids were dinking around and made you late. Whatever it was, if you didn’t leave that baggage at the door before entering your work environment, what are the odds that it screwed up the rest of your morning or even your day?
Worse still, how did your attitude negatively affect those around you?
We’re all grown-ups capable of managing our behavior and emotions, but sometimes — let’s be real – we suck at it.
When we allow others to whip our emotions like batter, and mix us all up, who’s ultimately responsible? We’ve got to learn to let some stuff go for the greater good (usually our own sanity) so that we maintain control of our sense of well-being.
This is one lesson worth spreading. If not for own sake’s then for the sake of our children. Emotional contagion – picking up on the feeling state of another person – is real. Mirror neurons have something to do with it. We’re wired to connect with others. We know when something feels off.
And so does everyone else.
If you want to succeed in business, and in life, understanding this is crucial.
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