I spent 20 minutes deciding which bread to buy. It was supposed to be a quick in/out trip to the store, but because I arrived late in the day, the bread I usually buy was gone. I spent another ten minutes in the egg aisle debating between brands and if my family really needed eighteen eggs versus twelve, because, well, egg prices. Each of these decisions—buying a different bread and choosing between egg brands share one thing in common: bounded rationality. But what the heck is that?
Bounded rationality means that our experiences and the environment constrain our ability to make purely rational decisions. We might be bound by time, available information, and/or cognitive capacity (the info we can process and keep in our heads at any time.) Here’s a 3-Minute Introduction to the concept.
Trapped in a Loop
Without realizing it, bounded rationality was in full effect. When I arrived at the store, I ultimately had to settle for whatever “good enough” bread remained that I believed my family might like, and that still fit some of my requirements. The eggs? That came down to the price per egg because ultimately I’m not brand loyal. My family’s preferences, time, and cost all influenced my decision. This happens to everyone.
For example, you’re in a store like I was except you’re exhausted from having stayed up late with your sick child, dropped them at daycare (without mentioning they were tossing cookies well into the early ‘morn—no judging, it happens), and arrived at work for a 10-hour shift. Now you need to buy groceries, but you also skipped lunch and are borderline hangry.
What factors determine your grocery purchases? Bounded rationality for the win!
In the above example, you’re more likely to choose the “good enough” (aka satisficing) options instead of trying to make the optimal choices. You’ll lean into short cuts like, “I bought this before, I’ll just get this.” Of course, if you’re truly exhausted, you might walk out with a few pints of Ben & Jerry’s, a bag of popcorn, and pre-sliced veggies. Protein, fiber, and vitamins.
We have limits on our ability to make the absolute best decisions in every aspect of our lives. It’s unrealistic to believe we know every piece of information before deciding. That doesn’t stop us from trying, though!
When Bounded Rationality Hinders Success
Bounded rationality is useful, that’s why we do it, but it can mean our choices aren’t as helpful as they could be. My family and I are watching The Last of Us. I’m not usually a zombie person, but the show is decent. In every apocalyptic show we’ve watched, the characters never make the optimal choice. For example, Kathleen.
Kathleen is pissed. There’s no getting around that fact. Why? ‘Cause someone killed her brother. She knows who. She knows why. None of that matters to Kathleen. The only thing that does is, in her words, “justice.” She kills the only doctor in their encampment because he won’t tell her where to find the killer. She expends finite resources to find him.
How does bounded rationality rule her world? Based on her experiences, she views certain people as expendable, values loyalty to her above all else (initially using follower’s loyalty to her brother as a stepping stone), and doesn’t tolerate anyone questioning her behavior or decisions. They fall in line. When she insists on pursuing her brother’s killer, she believes doing so will give her the result she wants. Kathleen entertains no other outcomes.
If Kathleen had thought about other outcomes, she … oh, I can’t tell you! I don’t want to spoil the show for you!
Identify the Mental Shortcuts You Use Daily
People love hacks. We’re “all in” for anything that makes getting what we want easier and faster. So it’s no surprise that our brain is hard-wired to look for the simplist decision-making route. In psychological terms, a heuristic is a way for us to decide things quickly.
For example, what’s the best-selling soda brand in the world? (Google it after you finish reading!)
When we are deciding something, two heuristics commonly come into play.
Availability Heuristic: We determine the likelihood of an event based on how easily information about it comes to mind
Framing Effect: The presentation (packaging) of the information influences our choice(s).
The best-selling soda is an example of an availability heuristic. Based on your knowledge of soda brands, whatever popped into your head first is probably the one you selected as “best-selling.” It did for me (and I was right!)
An example of framing is seeing two packages for the same product. The first describes the item as “90% fat free” and the second as having “10% fat.” 1Sage Students (16 June 2022). The Mental Shortcuts that Define Your World https://youtu.be/izciZdvChO8?si=rLNOrASTx26e5uGE Most people would choose the first one. Marketers are adept at their use of framing, but so are we. The language we use to describe our experiences can shift our mindset and motivation. Have you read Carol Dweck’s book Mindset?
Bounded Rationality and Cognitive Biases
These heuristics are not the same as cognitive biases, of which there are several. Cognitive biases are more accurately described as “thinking errors.” Anchoring and confirmation biases are examples.
How Does the Anchoring Effect Affect Decisions?
Anchoring involves attaching more importance to the first piece of information you receive, and then comparing everything else to it. For example, you get a quote for window installation from a contractor and maybe you think it’s too high. You decide to get at least two more quotes.
During the decision process, you give more weight to the initial quote because you received it first, not necessarily because it’s better. In fact, if the other quotes are lower, you’ll likely want to know why, but this is because of your anchor. You don’t consider that the initial quote might have been completely off base.
The price of window installation is only one piece of information. The anchoring bias can stop you from considering the quality of a product (the windows), the reputation of a contractor, their responsiveness, and many other things that comprise a purchase decision. To counter this, you gather more information, compare “apples to apples” (or try to!) and then decide.
What is Confirmation Bias?
A confirmation bias happens when we unconsciously seek information that supports our position and ignore or discount anything that doesn’t. This bias also affects how we interpret and remember (or don’t) information relevant to our beliefs. The easiest example of this is politics.
Compare these two article titles: McDonald’s posts biggest US sales drop since Covid-19 pandemic vs Trump trade war hits McDonald’s as US sales fall sharply.
Which would you read?
Based solely on the titles, would you say they lean left, right, or center? Confirmation bias affects the articles we choose to read. We are more likely to choose whichever title already fits our current beliefs about a subject.
What information are we missing? Scary, isn’t it? Fortunately, we can guard against these two biases.
Bounded Rationality Action Steps
Pay attention to how you make snap judgments about people and situations.
Notice when you default to familiar solutions rather than exploring new ones.
Keep track of decisions made quickly and analyze their effectiveness.
Recognize when these heuristics help and when they lead to poor decisions.
Challenge your assumptions when making important choices.
Question information that confirms your existing belief.
Seek opposing perspectives that test your stance.
Balance Intuition with Rational Thinking
Intuition is that nudge you sense when something feels off, but it’s also the excitement you feel, but can’t explain, when you know in your bones that you’re heading in the right direction. It’s your internal GPS, but like Google maps, sometimes it leads you down a narrow alley instead of a street.
Good decision-making benefits from gathering information, stepping back for a short period, analyzing the data, and then deciding. 2Farrell, M. (6 Jan 2023) Data and Intuition: Good decisions need both. Harvard Business Publishing, https://harvardbusiness.org/data-and-intution-good-decisions-need-both No rush required, regardless of FOMO. Push past that nonsense. Approach decisions “eyes wide open.”
Deciding to do or not do something combines intuition (past experiences, including those we observe) and information gathering. While we can’t possibly know everything — bounded rationality — at the moment, we can make the best possible decision with what we know (intuition + experiences).
How to Avoid Decision Paralysis
For about 14 years, we operated a specialty tea business. Every spring through summer, and at any event, we offered free samples. With over 100 custom blends available, narrowing the field to only six each week was part science, part luck. Six was the magic number. More than that, and I’d see a glaze settle over our potential customer’s eyes.
It’s possible to have too much information and suffer from decision paralysis. I’d seen it many times when people came into our store and saw the number of teas displayed in sniffing jars. Where should they start?
We have to narrow our choices, but not so much that we’re only relying on our gut to decide. After all, intuition is partly about pattern recognition.3 Alós-Ferrer, C. (24 March 2023). The Dangers of Intuition. Psychology Today. Retrieved May 6, 2025 https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/decisions-and-the-brain-/202303/the-dangers-of-intuition
We become so adept at finding them that sometimes we forget to gather important details.
For example, when a customer’s eyes glazed over, I’d ask, “What flavors do you like?” This helped us narrow their choices. If the answer included citrus, I’d steer them toward Tropical Dreams (one of our best sellers), and a handful of others (never over six). Thus, giving them their place to start.
Intuition vs Rationality Action Steps
Use intuition for quick, low-risk decisions but rely on analysis for complex ones.
Double-check intuitive decisions with logical reasoning when necessary.
Get a second opinion when making high-stakes choices.
Use data and evidence rather than relying solely on gut feelings.
Automate predictable decisions to save mental energy. For example, work clothing.
Establish personal rules (e.g., always choosing the healthiest option from a menu).
Create a structured process for evaluating major life or business decisions. (ex., 6 Thinking Hats)
How to Use the Six Thinking Hats to counter Bounded Rationality
The Six Thinking Hats helps you explore your problem from six perspectives (roles). Dr. Edward de Bono developed TheSix Thinking Hats, which is a form of parallel thinking (an alternative to adversarial thinking). He’s also the person behind the concept of lateral thinking. Through his work on lateral, and then parallel thinking, De Bono’s focus became “what can be.”
In a group setting (family, business, nonprofit), everyone wears the same hat at the same time. This helps to ensure everyone is starting and ending on the same page while discussing a problem.
THE HATS (in this order)
Blue Hat (Process Control): The focus is on managing the thinking process, setting objectives, and summarizing outcomes. Usually only one person takes on this role. Their job is to keep everyone focused and they decide when it’s appropriate to move forward to another hat.
White Hat (Facts): This hat is all about objectivity. You focus on what you know and don’t know about the problem or topic.
Red Hat (Emotions & Feelings): No judging or justification needed. Share and acknowledge your gut reaction, feelings, and intuition. The red hat frees everyone to be honest about the problem without fear.
Black Hat (Caution): Identify potential downsides and risks. What are possible unintended consequences?
Yellow Hat (Optimism): What are the potential benefits, advantages, and/or opportunities related to solving the problem.
Green Hat (Creativity): Brainstorm. What are some new ideas, alternatives, or possibilities related to the current situation? Remember, there are no right/wrong answers during brainstorming.
Now it’s your turn. What problem do you want to tackle using The Six Thinking Hats method?
The next time you kick yourself for making a less-than-optimal decision, recognize bounded rationality is at play. Then, conduct a post-mortem on your decision. Learn the lessons your choice revealed, and move forward. While this might be difficult sometimes (no one enjoys admitting they’ve screwed up), it’s how we make lasting, sustainable changes in our lives.
Citations
1
Sage Students (16 June 2022). The Mental Shortcuts that Define Your World https://youtu.be/izciZdvChO8?si=rLNOrASTx26e5uGE
2
Farrell, M. (6 Jan 2023) Data and Intuition: Good decisions need both. Harvard Business Publishing, https://harvardbusiness.org/data-and-intution-good-decisions-need-both
3
Alós-Ferrer, C. (24 March 2023). The Dangers of Intuition. Psychology Today. Retrieved May 6, 2025 https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/decisions-and-the-brain-/202303/the-dangers-of-intuition
Your Default Mode Network (DMN) is a road trip playlist curated by your subconscious—one minute it’s a nostalgic bop, the next it’s that song you can’t stand, but can’t skip.
The DMN is the detour you didn’t expect, but sometimes leads to cool adventures and amazing sites. Our Default Mode Network may sometimes wander aimlessly, but that mind wandering also can be a time for creative exploration and problem solving.
Understand Your Brain’s Resting State
When we aren’t doing anything that demands our focused attention, the Default Mode Network takes the driver’s seat and hits shuffle on the entertainment dashboard.
Researchers have identified four areas of the brain that activate when a person isn’t performing a specific, externally driven task. They are the dorsomedial and ventromedial prefrontal cortex, anterior and posterior cingulate cortex, lateral parietal cortex, and the precuneus. These regions play a role in emotion, personality, introspection, and memory.
Self-representation. The way we see ourselves, including our traits and dispositions.
Theory of Mind (ToM). Our attempt to figure out the intentions of other people.
Simulations. Led by the question, “What if?”, the DMN runs a variety of scenarios.
Our brain likes to be busy—even in resting awake states, like daydreaming, mind wandering, meditation, and some mindfulness activities.
Mind wandering and daydreaming aren’t necessarily dependent on a particular outside (external) stimulus and are typically unrelated to a specific task. Both experiences also can be intentional or unintentional. Some researchers use mind wandering and daydreaming interchangeably. We’re not doing that. So, what’s the difference?
Mind wandering is broader and described as “task unrelated thought.” It can be deliberate or spontaneous, with the former more often associated with positive thoughts, and the latter with negative thoughts (Barnett & Kaufman, 2020).
Researchers also consider the plausibility of the mind wandering. Does it relate to a real-life situation about which running simulations in your mind helps you plan, prepare, and problem-solve? Are those events happening now or in the immediate future? Barnett and Kaufman (2020) view mind-wandering on a spectrum, with one end reflecting thoughts that are closer to real life and the opposite end being “impossibly fanciful.”
When mind wandering involves scenarios that aren’t realistic, i.e., the likelihood of their occurring is highly unlikely or near zero, then we’re daydreaming. For example, maybe you’re daydreaming about what it would be like to be an eagle or travel to Mars. The first is fantastical, but the second is possible, though remote.
Daydreaming is future-oriented and often deliberate. When it leans more toward fantastical imaginings that disrupt your day, then it’s considered maladaptive.
With our better understanding of the DMN, we can use its strengths to our advantage.
DMN Action Steps
Use a mood tracking app to notice correlations between mental states and DMN activity.
Identify which activities (e.g., walking, showering) enhance your insights.
Reframe the Default Mode Network
The Default Mode Network is about our inner world — how we see ourselves and how we assess our social world as it relates to us. We can choose to reflect on its musings, positive and negative, so we can become the best versions of ourselves. We also can delve into those negative thoughts, evaluate their truthfulness and accuracy, then purposely reframe them in a more positive way.
Reframing is looking at a problem or a challenging situation from a more constructive perspective. For example, in April 2025, the stock market plummeted. If you had money in retirement or self-directed investment accounts, you might have experienced anxiety and panic watching the value of your portfolios drop.
Your anxious thoughts might have scolded you for selling, not selling, not buying the dip, buying the dip, borrowing to buy the dip, or not putting your money into something safer. As you kept a close eye on the news, your thoughts might have shouted, “You’re going to lose everything! You’re an idiot!”
But are those thoughts true? Are your emotions and feelings taking over?
The value of stocks always goes up and down, sometimes dramatically, other times slothlike. Either way, it’s out of your control. If you want to continue investing, reframing the highs and lows of investing is an important skill. Reframing looks like, “Stocks are on sale now!” (I’m not suggesting you borrow to buy the dip, though.)
Reframing is powerful. You can use it to change any negative thought.
DMN Action Steps
Track your DMN activity for 1 -2 days. Are your thoughts negative or positive? When are they happening? Is there a time of day when your thoughts are more positive than negative?
Keep a journal to track insights or creative ideas that come during downtime.
Practice mindfulness meditation for 5–15 minutes daily. Start small.
Schedule quiet, tech-free moments to allow your mind to wander naturally.
Use reflective questions like, “What patterns of thought keep resurfacing?”
Go outside. Bonus points if you can do this for a few minutes in the morning. Morning light exposure helps reset your internal clock. This helps you sleep better!
Harness the Power of Visualization
Most people can create mental images. In fact, only 2 – 4% of people experience aphantasia (the brain doesn’t create pictures) and this inability isn’t a disability, medical, or mental health condition. It’s simply a difference in how a person’s brain works.
Some people construct vivid images, noting even minute details. Others think more broadly. Wherever you land on the continuum, you can use visualization to harness your creative spirit and move in a consistently positive direction.
While you can practice visualization anywhere, when you’re just getting started, it’s a good idea to find a quiet spot. Position yourself comfortably. Then,
Choose an object in your environment. Examine it for 1 -2 minutes.
Close your eyes or soften your gaze. If softening your gaze, then turn away from the object.
Use bellybreathing to ready your mind. Inhale through your nose, allowing your belly to fill with air. Let this breath flow into your chest without raising your shoulders. You can track this by resting one hand on your stomach and the other on your chest. Exhale through your pursed lips or your nose. If it helps you, count in for four and out for four.
Recall as many details about the object as possible. What shape is it? What colors? What’s its size? Does it have a scent? Is its surface soft, rough, hard?
Practicing visualization in this way several times each week will improve your ability to create mental pictures. Before long, you’ll be able to use visualization to “see” every step in any goal you want to accomplish. Visualizing the process is as important, if not more important than, “seeing” the end goal.
As your visualization skills strengthen, you can choose to use a first or third person perspective. Which one is better? To gain more insight into this, think about a work of fiction you’ve read. What drew you into the story? Was it written in first or third person? These usually are the dominant choices in fiction writing.
Books written in first person, particularly ones written in first person present tense, give readers a sense of being part of the action. Readers discover and experience everything in the story simultaneously with the main character. This also happens in first person, past tense, but not to the same degree. Present tense is the critical piece.
Third person is about observation. As readers, we’re on the outside watching the characters do clever, baffling, annoying, and sometimes foolish things. We don’t feel the same sense of control, emotion, or feelings.
This isn’t how we want to engage in our visualization activities. We’re not meant to be outside observers of our lives. We’re meant to be involved in the thick of it!
DMN Action Steps
Gradually increase the time you spend visualizing.
Create a vision board or digital collage to solidify your mental imagery.
Revisit your visualization practice weekly to reinforce positive thinking.
Manage Default Mode Network Overactivity
It’s three a.m. Your eyes pop open. Thoughts scramble, each worse than the last. You’re spiraling. Worry sets into your spine. Something’s different this time, though. Now, you know it’s your default mode network in action. Maybe you’ve given your DMN a name (helpful), but controlling it still isn’t automatic.
Like any new skill, we have to engage in deliberate practice to reap the rewards. Crafting a memorable line of dialogue, a witty joke, an efficient piece of code, whatever the skill, repetition is the key. There’s no failure because each opportunity gives us insights. We learn bit by bit, tweak by tweak. Eventually, the behaviors necessary to complete our task automatize.
DMN Action Steps
Recognize signs of rumination or overthinking.
Use grounding techniques like deep breathing or body scanning.
Consider cognitive-behavioral strategies. For example, journaling, distraction, or self-compassion to redirect unproductive thought loops.
The next time your thoughts wander and your DMN shuffles to a song you’d rather skip, remember you’re in the driver’s seat. You choose the adventure.
References
Galinato, M. (2022 Aug 30). Rest: The Default Mode Network. BrainFacts.org. Retrieved Ap. 4, 2024.
Menon, V. (2023). 20 years of the default mode network: A review and synthesis. Neuron, 111(16) DOI: 10.1016/j.neuron.2023.04.023
Barnett, P. J., & Kaufman, J. C. (2020). Mind wandering: Framework of a lexicon and musings on creativity In D. D. Preiss, D. Cosmelli, & J. C. Kaufman (Eds.), Creativity and the wandering mind: Spontaneous and controlled cognition (pp. 3-24).San Diego: Academic Press.
Marks, T. (10 Feb 2021). Maladaptive daydreaming vs. Mind Wandering: How to tell the difference. YouTube. https://youtu.be/Qt-8WxxdTPQ
Huberman, A. (24 Jan 2023). Using light for health. Huberman Lab. Retrieved April 11, 2024 from https://www.hubermanlab.com/newsletter/using-light-for-health
Cleveland Clinic (31 Aug 2023). Aphantasia: What it is, causes, symptoms, and treatments. Retrieved April 29, 2025 from https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/symptoms/25222-aphantasia
Cleveland Clinic (30 March 2022). Diaphragmatic breathing exercises and benefits. Retrieved April 29, 2025 from https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/9445-diaphragmatic-breathing
Calm (n.d.). How cognitive shuffling can quiet racing thoughts at bedtime. Retrieved April 30, 2025 from https://www.calm.com/blog/cognitive-shuffling
What does a fundamental forward shift and learning to swim have in common?
When I was a kid, my parents put me into swimming lessons. I don’t remember how old I was, but I remember not wanting to go. Up to that moment, I’d been content with life in the shallow end.
But staying there wasn’t an option.
The first day of lessons, kids eager to launch themselves from the side of the pool surrounded me. Meanwhile, I stood shivering and waiting for the lesson to be over. I knew that eventually, maybe not this day, but soon, I’d have to go into the deep end.
Along the edge of the pool, the other kids giggled and squirmed. I wasn’t having any of it and backed further away. One instructor waved, encouraging me to move closer. From the viewing gallery, I sensed the Wise One’s eyes on me. (He’s my inspiration for “the look” that I cultivated so well it still stops misbehaving children mid-tantrum.)
I inched forward.
One-by-one, we jumped into the pool. This was the easy part. I’d done it hundreds of times before, and loved it — in the safety of the shallow end.
But when the instructors announced that to pass the class we’d have to jump from the diving board, a detail of which my parents failed to mention, panic shot through me like a ball racing around a pinball machine.
One added, “Your toes have to dangle at the end of the board.” The other gave us a visual. One hand plopped over the other, fingers fluttering. I hated these people.
Surely they were joking. Why would our toes need to be in that specific spot?
The day finally arrived. We marched dutifully to the deep end of the pool, each awaiting our fate. Some exuberant, others, mainly me, not so much.
Splash! Plop!
“Can I do it again?” Over and over, until …
It was my turn to step onto the board, my sloth skills in full effect.
“A little bit more. Get your toes over the edge.”
One tiny step forward.
“More. You’re almost there.”
The scratchy bumps of the board scraped along the bottoms of my feet.
“Jump!”
“No.”
“You can do it. We’re right here. Jump!”
“No.”
Actions or thoughts that propel us forward or yank us backward require consistency. It’s the key. The only question is if we’re willing to break the connection between our consistent negative actions or thoughts, in favor of positive, more healthful ones.
Think how consistent our behaviors and thoughts are when we’re stopping ourselves from moving toward the thing we say we want. That level of consistency, applied in a more beneficial, perhaps more challenging, direction, is a fundamental forward shift.
A fundamental forward shift is understanding that we get what we want through small, positively skewed, consistent actions and thoughts. It doesn’t matter if those actions are successes or failures, but how we think about those failures matters tremendously.
Like a lot of things in life, failure ain’t all bad. This reminds me of something Captain Jack Sparrow said in Pirates of the Caribbean.
The problem isn’t the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem.
Few people would say, “I love failing!” Most times, failure sucks. It’s mentally and physically draining. Sometimes it’s embarrassing, like when you mean to dive gracefully into a pool, but bellyflop instead. Other times, no one sees our failure, but we feel like we’re drowning in it.
Consider this: without failure, we wouldn’t know how great success feels. In fact, we wouldn’t be able to define success. Failure builds resiliency. We learn and grow through our mistakes. When we navigate a failure, we feel better about ourselves and we learn what to avoid or change the next time. It teaches us we have the stuff it takes to succeed. We also figure out how to manage the negative emotions that bubble to the surface when we fail.
All that’s great, but the best thing about failure is that we don’t have to experience it to learn from it. When we see other people fail, we learn the obvious “don’t do what they did,” and we gain empathy. Seeing other people fail also confirms we’re not the only ones who struggle. For some, it might temporarily increase their sense of self-worth as they compare themselves to the person who failed.
Failure and the Art of Juggling
How to change your mindset and unleash your potential
There I was, toes dangling, dare I say fluttering, ever so slightly off the end of the diving board, and wanting desperately to be anywhere else but on the precipice of … okay, I’m being dramatic.
The point is, I wanted off that board and the only way off was into the water. I had to trust the instructors, but more importantly, I had to trust and believe in myself.
Through consistent effort (and an attitude adjustment care of The Wise One), I’d developed the fundamental skills that would move me forward. Had I attended the lessons, but refused to practice, that consistent, but negative behavior would have held me back.
The key is consistency, so why not choose the route that benefits us most? Why not choose positively skewed actions and thoughts?
Because we’re scared.
It’s okay to be afraid. Change is exciting, often overwhelming, and filled with uncertainty. But we’ve all heard it before. Uncertainty is where the action is. If we want different anything, then we have to embrace uncertainty.
DId I jump into the pool? Yes, and I did it again and again. Each time with less hesitation and uncertainty about the outcome. Experience does that, but consistency in thoughts and actions, positively skewed, made me keep climbing the ladder.
Here are 5 questions to help you with your fundamental forward shift.
What contributes to your fear of failing or succeeding?
What have you already learned about failure and success?
How can you reframe your thoughts about failure and success?
How would you describe failure? Is your description negatively skewed? Reframe it.
What was your last success (big or small)? Describe it. How does remembering it make you feel?
When you think about the things you’ve accomplished in your life, how did you do it? Who were the people who helped you?
Nothing is accomplished by a lone individual. Someone somewhere helped pave the way, or even more directly, gave you their time or access to resources.
For example, several years ago I made the decision to fulfill a lifelong goal. I’d studied martial arts off and on since I was 17-years-old, but hadn’t stayed anywhere long enough to get higher than the rank of brown belt.
When we relocated to our current home, I found a dojang that taught Hapkido. I fell in love with this art. Training was fun! My instructor and many senior students worked with me to prepare for each testing.
They weren’t the only ones, though. My husband practiced locks and other drills with me hours before I’d leave for each testing. If he couldn’t do it, which wasn’t often, our son would help me.
Grappling was part of our training, and I had no experience doing it. Other instructors broke it down for me, and I started to understand what to do, and when to do it.
I began to flourish under the guidance of my instructors and senior students. It was a fabulous experience filled with challenge and growth, but not just physically.
When I wanted to quit due to an injury, my instructor encouraged and pushed me not to give up. I was one rank away from my goal.
But, that injury was at the hands of the head instructor of the school. I was angry and frustrated. Why had he intentionally hurt me?
Every student who witnessed it, including my instructor, knew two things about me that day. First, I could take a serious hit, and second, I was going to walk out and never come back.
The anger I felt had to be overcome if I was going to reach the next level. If my instructor hadn’t been there to talk me out of it, I would have quit. And I would have regretted it.
I spent the next few months recovering and preparing for the next test. The week of black belt testing, I decided to get in a little more training in a different class. The instructor of that class paired us off and told us to practice techniques.
My partner, who wasn’t an Hapkidoist, asked me to throw a kick. He caught it, ripped my leg forward, and pulled it a bit out of its socket. I fell to the mat. He thought it was funny. When I was finally able to get up, I didn’t retaliate.
In the back of my mind, I heard my instructor telling me “don’t quit.”
When it was my turn, I explained what I was about to do. I had a cane — my weapon of choice. If I hadn’t explained the technique and what to expect, he would have had a broken arm or dislocated shoulder. Either way, lots of pain.
My instructor’s patience, encouragement, and understanding helped me reach first dan. He also prepared me to move on knowing that I couldn’t stay in that dojang. The anger I felt still was below the surface. Any trust I had for the head instructor and some of his students was gone.
That’s what touchstones do.
How familiar are you with “touchstones?” The first time I recall hearing the term I was reading a Marcia Muller novel more than twenty years ago. I recall thinking, “I like that idea.”
The idea wasn’t new, but the way it was used resonated with me. I’m fortunate to have family, friends, and instructors who filled this role then, and now.
No one can exist in a vacuum and flourish. We need other people.
Perhaps the most tragic examples that illustrate this are the more than153 million childrenworldwide living in orphanages. Institutional life isn’t compatible with forming strong attachments with a primary caregiver.
Researcher Nathan Fox found that young children in institutionalized settings havereduced grey and white matterin their brains. His Child Development Lab at the University of Maryland has ongoing studies with children inRomanian orphanages.
Neglect is positively correlated “with significant cognitive delays, increased risk for psychological disorders, and stunted physical growth.” Early interventions can reverse some and possibly all of these negative effects.
We need people. Not justanypeople, but supportive, life-affirming people.
This might seem obvious, but I’ve met hundreds of people throughout the United States who know this but don’t take steps to ensure it for themselves.
My father used to say, “If someone is an albatross around your neck, kick’em to the curb.” (That’s a bit of mixed imagery, but you get the point.)
When you think of a “touchstone,” it’s usually a person with whom you can share your deepest desires, hopes, fears, frustrations, and dreams. This is your “go-to” cheerleader/accountability partner.
It’s Buffy and Angel, Laverne and Shirley, Fonzie and Richie — wait, let me give a few contemporary examples. How about Bella and Edward, Patrick and Spongebob, or Aphmau and Aaron?
Who are your touchstones?
If you don’t have these kinds of people in your life right now, what can you do?
I’m borrowing this approach from all those dating websites. They always ask what kind of person you’re searching for in a mate. Well, this isn’t any different.
Start identifying the traits you’d like for the people you want in your life. You can do this through journaling. Yes, you want the person to be supportive and encouraging, but what else? How would you like them to do this? How do you want them to give you feedback?
We all know that what we focus on gets our attention. Finding your tribe and touchstone takes effort, time, and attention.
It also takes courage to move away from your core group when you realize they’re a weight not worth lifting. Leaving my dojang and all the people I enjoyed training with was a difficult decision, but it was the right one.
I ran into my former instructor from that school not so long ago. He gave me an interesting update that he believed might open the door for my return. We’ll see.
Touchstones are your inner circle. They look after you, mentally and sometimes physically. They challenge and uplift you. In colloquial terms, “They’ve got your back.”
Humor, or more specifically, laughter is contagious. Have you ever gotten a case of the giggles, that you couldn’t stop? How many other people around you started laughing, too? Did they know what you found so amusing?
The endorphin hit we get from laughing, helps us relax and the laughter can signal safety. So, we’re attracted to people who are laughing.
What is humor?
Definitions of humor vary by culture, but one thing is true, we all laugh. Even babies do it, and we don’t usually know why.
Was it useful from an evolutionary perspective? It must have been otherwise why did it stick around? Why isn’t everyone walking around scowling?
Humor relieves tension and stress, so maybe that’s why the trait stayed with us. It also bonds people together. That would have been useful back in the day.
Humor helps us in many ways. The Mayo Clinic lists several benefits. Among them are,
Activate and relieve your stress response
Sooth tension
Improve your immune system
Relieve pain
Improve your mood
Regardless of the reason, humor is a trait we all have. We don’t express it the same way, or with the same comedic timing of, Robin Williams, but we all use it.
Before we go much further, let’s get on the same page with a few definitions and research about humor.
Humor is:
the quality of being amusing or comic, especially as expressed in literature or speech.
It’s important to make a distinction between humor and laughter. Humor is an evoked response to storytelling and shifting expectations. Laughter is a social signal among humans. It’s like a punctuation mark. — Carl Marci, MD
To understand humor, it’s also good to distinguish between a sense of humor and a style of humor. The former involves our ability to understand, laugh at, and appreciate jokes. The latter is our approach to using humor.
Dr. Rod A. Martin created the Humor Styles Questionnaire to study how people use humor. His work isn’t about the jokes themselves. It’s about the adaptive or maladaptive use of humor in everyday life. He and his colleagues identified four styles of humor. As you read each, a few examples will likely pop into your head right away.
They are:
Self-enhancing humor helps us feel good. If you’re able to cheer yourself up or poke fun at yourself in a good way, then this is you. You find humor in everyday life.
Affiliative humor helps us build relationships with others. We banter back and forth. It’s all good, clean fun. It’s witty.
Aggressive humor makes us feel good but at the expense of others. These are the jibes, snarky remarks, and hurtful teasing we do to put someone down.
Self-defeating humor helps us build relationships with others, but at the expense of ourselves. We’re the butt of every joke.
Martin notes that we usually have a combination of the styles, but lean more toward one than the others. Take the quiz and discover your style.
Sarcastic humor — Is it all bad?
How do you feel about sarcasm? If you’re like most people, you think it’s okay, but believe there’s a line you shouldn’t cross — unless it’s with a sibling. They’re fair game.
Sarcasm comes from the Greek word sarkazein, which meant “to tear flesh like a dog.” This word led to the Greek noun sarkasmos, meaning “a sneering or hurtful remark.” Sarkasmos made its way through French and Latin first. Then showed up in English around the mid-16th century.
Today sarcasm means,
a sharp and often satirical or ironic utterance designed to cut or give pain.
the use of irony to mock or convey contempt
We use it so often, and have for so long, that to not appreciate it could be a sign that your brain isn’t working quite right. Researchers have studied sarcasm for more than 20 years. They’ve discovered a few interesting side effects of using sarcasm.
For instance, our brains work harder to understand and breakdown sarcastic comments. It requires us to think about how someone is saying something (tone), and that the meaning isn’t literal. This last part involves the theory of mind (ToM).
Here’s an interesting tip the next time you encounter a customer service representative. Sarcastic complaints work better with customer service agents than anger. It helps the agent get more creative when solving problems.
Francesca Gino and her research partners found a connection between sarcasm and creativity. The right amount, with the right tone, in the right situation can increase creativity.
That’s a lot to get right, though. And they do acknowledge that trust is a big factor in those situations.
Keeping all that in mind, step lightly when using your sarcasm. We all know that in emails it doesn’t work. It’s also not a good idea in close relationships.
The Gottman Institute is a leader in the study of what makes marriages and couplehood work. Dr. John Gottman, a founding partner, is well known for his ability to predict divorce with 90% accuracy. He discovered that six behaviors predict divorce. Of the six, the Four Horsemen are the most lethal. They are,
Criticism
Contempt
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
Contempt is the most destructive because it involves defensive joking, aggressive/hostile humor (sarcasm), and mockery. You can stop this behavior from destroying your marriage or partnership. They explain how in, This one thing is the biggest predictor of divorce.
Is sarcasm all bad? No, not if it’s used a little to spice things up. Used too often though, and it erodes relationships. And, since we tend to use sarcasm with the people we’re closest to, it’s better to be safe than sorry.
Cultural differences
Humor is difficult to translate. It takes into account the subtleties of a culture, that if you aren’t aware of, can mystify you. Oh, and cause you to miss the joke.
For example, British and American humor differ.
Dr. Tom Verghese shares a great example. Watch as he explains effective use of humor during a presentation.
Understanding cultural nuances is important in all communication, but especially humor.
Our Brain on Humor
When we hear a joke, the frontal lobe starts to search for patterns. Between the start of a joke and the punchline, our expectations get tossed around like a sack of laundry. Incongruity piques our curious prefrontal cortex located in the frontal lobe. This center for information processing devotes more attention to the story (joke). Then it starts to expect that the speaker meant something else. A data check happens between the prefrontal cortex and the nucleus accumbens. If everything checks out, this triggers an emotional response.
When we laugh, dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins all release. Dopamine helps us process our emotions and experience pleasure. Sounds awesome, right? It gets better. Serotonin gives us a mood boost. Endorphins take care of pain and stress, and when we’re laughing we feel euphoric.
What are you waiting for? Get yourself a hit of happy brain chemicals!
Michael Jr. I was just jogging
The Humor-Resilience Connection
Everyone experiences hardships. For some people, humor is their go-to coping mechanism. For those for whom it’s not, consider developing this trait. Here’s why,
…high levels of coping humor are associated with more positive challenge appraisals for various life events. In turn, these positive appraisals can also generate greater enthusiasm and enjoyment for dealing with these events, and are thus strongly associated with more positive affect. — Nicholas A. Kuiper
He’s describing an upward spiral. How we respond to challenging events can influence our emotional and psychological outcomes. Viktor Frankl, Anne Frank, Nelson Mandela, and many others are great examples. They used humor to cope with horrible circumstances.
After the 9/11 attacks in NYC, humor is what helped me deal with the experience. I had no home and no clothes except what I wore the day it happened. Life as a consultant meant living in hotels for extended periods. Everything I had was in my hotel room, but I was in Brooklyn.
There wasn’t much to laugh about the day of the attack. There wasn’t even much to find amusing several days after. But, one night as I walked from a Walgreens back to the Saddle Down B&B, I chatted with my brother. He was “walking me home” via the phone. I joked about the noise of fighter jets passing overhead. I don’t recall now what I said, but it wasn’t the only time jokes saved conversations from tumbling into an abyss. And, kept me and others pushing forward.
The American Psychological Association (APA) created a resource to help people build resilience. 10 Ways to build resilience offers several strategies. Humor isn’t mentioned, but this is more a function of timing than a denouncement of humor as a strategy. Research in this area of positive psychology is on-going.
Interesting Research Tidbit
Researchers at Emory University School of Medicine discovered that stimulating a specific area of the brain causes immediate laughter. A sense of calm and happiness follows the laughter. The electrical stimulation targets the cingulum bundle. When done, the effect is a reduction in anxiety. The cingulum bundle is beneath the cortex. It curves around the midbrain and looks like a girdle.
Why is this important? Stimulating this brain region helps patients feel happy. This means it could be useful in the treatment of disorders like depression, anxiety, and chronic pain.
Want to know more? Check out the article published in Science Daily.
Curious about the actual surgery? Watch this video:
How to create a humor habit
Improv is a fun way to learn more about humor. It can positively affect our cognitive processes in several areas. For example,
divergent thinking
flexibility
language
memory
problem-solving
co-construction
You might have experienced some of this if you’ve been part of a high-functioning team.
But, it also can happen when strangers come together, hit it off, and bounce banter like a ping-pong ball.
Have you tried improv? If so, let me know in the comments. I’ve considered it, but have been a bit chicken. I bet I’m not alone. Why should those of us who’ve never done it, try it?
The Fountain of Youth
Having a good sense of humor increases your life expectancy. Norwegian researchers’ findings from a 15-year study show,
73% lower risk of death from heart disease for women
83% lower risk of death from infection for women
74% reduced risk of death from infection for men
* Culture can play a part in the development of humor. I don’t have data on the original study. If you do, please share it!
Genetics and socialization are two aspects of humor. This tells us that we can influence some aspect of our humor development. Improv anyone?
The Bottom Line
Life is a lot more enjoyable with humor, and it’s consequence — laughter. It gets us through the rough times and makes the happy times more enjoyable.
Want to learn more?
Harvard Mahoney Neuroscience Institute (2010, Spring). Humor, laughter and those ah-ha moments. On the Brain, 16(2), 1–3.
Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this article be sure to check out some of my others.
Be sure to check out the challenges page if you’re looking for a new goal to achieve in the coming weeks or months.
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