Who do you serve? Think on that a minute before you answer.
Recently, a group of Girl Scouts, their leader, and I experienced two very different perspectives on this.
We all serve someone in some capacity. But are we doing it well? Are we doing our best to help them feel that they matter?
Having a service orientation when interacting with people we meet every day, simply makes our day run more smoothly. A side benefit is that it helps them, too!
Is that a selfish, non-altruistic way to view it? Yeah, maybe. But, when we do good for others, we all feel good (Lyubomirsky, 2018) and isn’t that the point of service? Don’t we want others to feel good? Don’t we want others to feel as though we’ve treated them with respect, compassion, and consideration?
Why? Because that’s how we all want to be treated.
All of us could swap stories about times when this didn’t happen to us. That’s not the point.
Right here, right now, what we need to do is start from a service orientation.
Serving others = Doing good = feeling good.
Reference (s)
Lyubomirsky, S (2018). Papers and publications. Retrieved December 8, 2018 from http://sonjalyubomirsky.com/
How do you know when to walk away from a goal you’ve set? What are the red flags that something is about to implode?
The number one sign is that you’re no longer “all in.” Most of us know what that feels like. There’s a nagging voice in your head telling you that whatever you’re supposed to be doing can wait a little longer, or until the next day, or next week.
When that happens, you’ll make excuses that sound so convincing that you begin to allow your goal to slip away.
It can start innocently. Maybe a friend suggests going to a movie when you’re supposed to be going to the gym. You figure, “It’s just this one time.” Then something else comes up around your scheduled gym time and it’s that much easier to say yes.
New habits are a promise you’re making to yourself. They’re a spit on your palm handshake followed by a pinky swear.
You never break a pinky swear.
Every goal you set can be broken down into smaller parts. Each small part is a pinky swear you need to keep.
Things that aren’t tracked, don’t get done.
Grab a calendar put it where you’ll always see it, and make a check mark for every single pinky swear you keep.
Everything we need to know about collaboration we can learn from preschoolers.
If you’ve ever spent more than fifteen minutes around preschoolers, you know that things don’t always go smoothly. But, you also know that they “say it like it is” — from their perspective, of course.
They’re not afraid to “call someone out” for taking their (or someone else’s) crayon. They’re quick to say, “Look at me!” And, they love tattling, which doesn’t seem to disappear for several years.
They’re also skilled in the art of building fast friendships that help them create. And they love creating. It can be anything from a giant train track or lego worlds to skyscrapers made from blocks or long domino structures.
In the beginning, there’s usually a child building independently, but then, another comes along.
“Hey, can I play with you?”
“Yes!” (I swear this happens 9 out of 10 times.)
Off they go to create something fantastic.
Interestingly, there’s little arguing. They settle into their roles: engineer, architect, or storyteller with a single objective — make IT amazing.
And amazing IT is.
How can we work with others to make something “amazing?”
Happiness is a cocktail. The right mix can do wonders for our sense of well-being. But what is the right mix? And can we be happy all the time?
Being happy is fleeting. It’s one of those feelings that ebbs and flows, so to expect to “be happy” all of the time is unrealistic.
But, can we be happy more often?
Yes! Here’s the secret sauce (make sure you share this with everyone you meet!)
Engage with other people. Really, truly connect with others.
That’s it. I know, there’s this other dot, but the secret sauce is this one thing. It’s like what Jack Palance’s character said in City Slickers.
So, it’s not so much a cocktail. It’s more like a straight-up shot of Tequila without the worm or headache. (And who wants a headache, anyway?)
Let’s spend a little more time connecting with other people, laughing, crying, and basically being human.
References
Aucubehill (2006, Nov. 15). Finding your one thing. Retrieved December 9, 2018 from https://youtu.be/2k1uOqRb0HU
Berkley Wellness (2018). What is the Science of Happiness? Retrieved December 9, 2018 from http://www.berkeleywellness.com/healthy-mind/mind-body/article/what-science-happiness
Ducharme, J. (2018, Feb. 14). This is the amount of money you need to be happy, according to research. Money. Retrieved December 9, 2018 fromhttp://time.com/money/5157625/ideal-income-study/
Doing good holds the power to transform us on the inside, and then ripple out in ever-expanding circles that positively impact the world at large.
Shari Arison
Do you volunteer your time? Why do you do that? For many of us, we volunteer because there’s a need. And that’s very true. But there’s another reason we do it.
Volunteering, or participating in any good action, makes us feel good. Researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky has studied happiness for years. In her work, she’s identified the association between doing good and feeling good.
You might be thinking, “Why would anyone need to study that?” Go ahead and google, “how to be happier.” You’re going to get about 149,000,000 results. We’re living in a time when people are working more and (generally) earning more but are less happy.
Lyubomirsky says there are three reasons doing good makes us feel good.
When we perform an act of kindness, we feel part of the larger community; we feel part of something bigger than ourselves.
Helping others can relieve the guilt we might have when we feel helpless to respond to truly tragic or horrific acts.
Acts of kindness change how we see ourselves.
Being kind to others in whatever shape it takes, gets us out of our own heads. And that can be a very healthy thing.
A simple way to sum this up is:
Social connection + positive feelings + positive thoughts = feeling good because we’re doing good.
Reference (s)
Lyubomirsky, S (2018). Papers and publications. Retrieved December 8, 2018 from http://sonjalyubomirsky.com/
All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.
Havelock Ellis
Whatever is holding us down and keeping us from going after what we say we want is probably something we need to let go.
Whatever is occupying our minds to the point of obsession is probably something we need to let go.
Have you ever chastised yourself for a mistake you might have made only to discover later that either you didn’t make one, or it wasn’t nearly as big a deal as you thought? Me, too.
Being present in the moment is about letting go of stuff — baggage — that’s weighing us down and making us trip over ourselves. It’s keeping us from appreciating and enjoying what’s happening right now.
There are a few lessons in life that are critically important to learn. One of them is knowing when to let something go so that we can focus on the present.
Everything you’ll ever need to know about positioning yourself for success can be learned from watching cats “play fight.”
We have two “inside” cats who vie for power every day. There’s been an increase in their struggle for position since one of our other “inside” cats died a few weeks ago. She was the “middle” kitty protected by the alpha male and despised by the beta male. Now that she’s gone, Dobby (beta) is attacking Harry (alpha).
Harry will win. He always wins. Harry is fatter and arguably slower because of his weight, but he’s infinitely more experienced than Dobby. He’s also more daring. He’s that cat we warn others not to touch. He’s my guard cat.
Some people think I’m joking when I say that.
Jiujitsu is all about technique and experience. Both Harry and Dobby are declawed (front paws – not by us). For a long time I wouldn’t let them outside, but Harry begged. Dobby was scared to venture out.
Now, they’ve both spent so much time outside that Harry has learned when to come inside while Dobby stubbornly remains out. There are coyotes, raccoons, opossums, foxes, and feral cats roaming around our property.
Harry has dispensed with every feral cat that he deemed unworthy. Meanwhile, Dobby kills mice. Nice, but Harry can do that, too.
Harry is a no-nonsense fighter. He’s got more “moves” at his disposal, knows when to execute them, and wins every fight he and Dobby have.
Does this mean the young can’t win? No, but it does mean that they might want to take time learning the basics because, at least in kitty jiujutsu, it’s the basics that win every time.
I’ll have to follow this up with an article about spiders and location. You’ll like it even if you’re terrified of spiders as much as I am.
Is this actually possible? Can we find meaning everywhere? What does it mean to “find meaning?”
This has been a topic of study for more than 50 years, and we still don’t have a complete grasp of it.
What is meaning?
Is it about the work we do? What if we hate our job?
Is it volunteer work? What if we do that because we feel obligated?
How do we find meaning in the mundane? Wait, how do we define mundane?
How do we find meaning in tragedy?
Viktor Frankl asserted that we’re in a constant search for meaning and that our stress and anxiety is rooted in this need to find it. It can be found in happy, sad, and tragic moments (Frankl, 1984).
In Buddhist traditions we learn that life is suffering because of our attachments, i.e., our selfish desire to hold on to things, people, places, etc. (High Commissioner’s Dialogue on Protection Challenges, 2012).
Maybe meaning is simply finding our “why?” as Simon Sinek postulated in his first Ted Talk (TED, 2009).
Regardless of our beliefs about meaning, one thing is clear. Most, if not all of us, are searching. We want to know why we’re here.
Bu then, maybe the answer is 42.
It isn’t. Mark Twain is credited with saying “The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”
Sinek is spot on, and finding your “why” has little to do with the work you do, and everything with how you live the life you’ve got.
References
Burton, N. (2012, May 24). Man’s search for meaning. Psychology Today. Retrieved December 6, 2018 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hide-and-seek/201205/mans-search-meaning
Frankl, V. (1984). Man’s search for meaning. New York, NY: Washington Square Books.
High Commissioner’s Dialogue on Protection Challenges, (2012, November 20). The Buddhist core values and perspectives for protection challenges: faith and protection.
Sinek, S. (2009). How great leaders inspire action. Retrieved December 6, 2018 from https://www.ted.com/talks/simon_sinek_how_great_leaders_inspire_action?language=en
Victor Frankl Institute, 2018. Retrieved December 6, 2018 from https://www.hostgator.com/help/article/hostgator-free-ssl
What does it mean to be an authentic leader even when you’re not in a traditional leadership role?
Authentic people regardless of status “walk the walk, and talk the talk.” They know, understand, and appreciate their strengths, weaknesses, and values. They know how to communicate these three things verbally, in writing, and through their body language. They are consistent.
Authentic people have congruency between what they value and what they do that brings meaning to their lives. These are the people we want to be around. They help us see our own strengths while not calling unnecessary attention to all of our weaknesses. Their touch is light but direct and sincere.
Being an authentic leader applies to many areas beyond the traditional workplace. Think about your teenager who others want to follow because sh/e respects and listens to them, and seems to have an uncanny confidence without all the swagger.
Maybe you know a little girl whom some call bossy without realizing that she’s displaying raw leadership that needs to be honed. She can learn to identify what she values and how to better communicate that to others. You and I simply need to be role models.
Authentic leadership development theory encompasses four areas: self-awareness, relational transparency, balanced processing, and an internalized moral perspective (Dik, Byrne, & Steger, 2017, p. 220). Of these, self-awareness and an internalized moral perspective are the most critical.
These two are the areas we can learn and teach others to practice. When we know our values and allow them to guide our decision-making and relationships we feel at peace with ourselves. When we feel at peace, we feel a greater sense of meaning/purpose. We’re also better able to engage in relational transparency and to look at things objectively because we have no agenda other than to be of service to others.
References
Byrne, Z.S., Dik, B.J.& Steger, M. F. (2017). Purpose and meaning in the workplace. Washington DC: American Psychological Association.
I know you’ve seen that before. It was all the rage in the mid-to-late 90’s when I entered the training & development field (now called “training & learning.”) But is it true?
From a purely emotional contagion perspective, yeah, it is. And deep down we all know this.
Imagine your day got off on the wrong foot. Maybe you had an argument with a loved one. Maybe your kids were dinking around and made you late. Whatever it was, if you didn’t leave that baggage at the door before entering your work environment, what are the odds that it screwed up the rest of your morning or even your day?
Worse still, how did your attitude negatively affect those around you?
We’re all grown-ups capable of managing our behavior and emotions, but sometimes — let’s be real – we suck at it.
When we allow others to whip our emotions like batter, and mix us all up, who’s ultimately responsible? We’ve got to learn to let some stuff go for the greater good (usually our own sanity) so that we maintain control of our sense of well-being.
This is one lesson worth spreading. If not for own sake’s then for the sake of our children. Emotional contagion – picking up on the feeling state of another person – is real. Mirror neurons have something to do with it. We’re wired to connect with others. We know when something feels off.
And so does everyone else.
If you want to succeed in business, and in life, understanding this is crucial.
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