by KDMiller | Personal Development
The will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full potential… these are the keys that will unlock the door to personal excellence.
~ Confucius
If fear is what’s holding us back from reaching our full potential, how do we overcome that fear?
By redefining it.
I’ve written about this before and it’s worth sharing, again. But, after redefining our fear, what should we do next? It’s not as though that magically changes everything that very moment.
This is where tackling things in baby steps comes into play.
Let’s say that your fear is starting something new — maybe it’s learning a new language. How can you break it down so that learning is less overwhelming and more fun? What supports can you put into place to help you reach your goal? What encouraging words will you tell yourself as you begin your adventure (See what I did there?)
Every step of the way we need to reframe, redefine, and push forward if we want to achieve our full potential in a particular area.
Will it be scarier some days than others? Absolutely.
Will we need to make an effort every day? Yep.
Can we be fabulous doing it? Without a doubt.
All that’s required is unlocking the door, pushing it open, and seeing what’s on the other side.
by KDMiller | Happiness and Well-being
Have you ever been around someone so angry or unhappy that you began feeling the same way?
We all have.
Emotions are as contagious as the common cold. We have our mirror neurons to thank for this, but we definitely want those neurons activating! (They’re what help us to be empathetic and compassionate beings. Without them, can you imagine what the world might be like?)
Just not necessarily all the time.
For example, when we’re in a long line at the checkout, and the people around us become visibly annoyed, it would be best for us to put our shields up! In these moments why would we want to be vested in someone else’s annoyance? Are they being mistreated by having to wait in line? Do we want to feel as awful as they apparently do?
We all have a negativity bias so it’s pretty easy to get wrapped up in another person’s ticked off mood. The challenge for us is to recognize what’s happening before it takes over our brains so that we don’t act in a way that just might embarrass us later.
Reference (s)
Inside the Brain (n.d.) Tag: Mirror neurons. Retrieved December 21, 2018, from https://inside-the-brain.com/tag/mirror-neurons/
Marano, H. E. (2016, June 9). Our Brain’s Negativity Bias. Psychology Today. Retrieved December 21, 2018, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200306/our-brains-negative-bias
Positive Psychology Program (2016, December 3). 3 simple steps to overcome your negativity bias. Positive Psychology Program. Retrieved December 21, 2018, from https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/3-steps-negativity-bias/
by KDMiller | Habit formation, Personal Development
“Willpower is trying very hard not to do something you want to do very much.”
John Ortberg
By now, most of us have read articles discussing willpower in some form or fashion. There are two areas where researchers tend to agree. First, willpower is like a muscle. It gets depleted and it can get re-energized; and two, we still can accomplish changes without willpower.
How? Plan. Plan every detail of your new habit including creating a habit you actually want to change. When we try to change a habit for someone else, what happens? Yeah, I know you know.
We have to make changes that are so simple that in our minds we can’t say “no.” It’s all about the baby steps, and if you’ve ever been around a baby trying to learn to walk then you understand just how important this is.
When a baby takes its first step it usually falls. Then, with encouragement, it gets back up. It’s not only willpower making that happen, but it’s also the relationships around the child.
When we want to make lasting changes, we need to remember to surround ourselves with supportive relationships, take baby steps to increase our competency, and when the time is right, strike out on our own running on the tips of our toes toward success.
Sometimes the collective willpower of others can help us achieve the seemingly impossible.
Reference (s)
Hendriksen, E. (2015, December 25). How to change a habit without willpower. Savvy Psychology. Retrieved December 20, 2018, from https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/health-fitness/mental-health/how-to-change-a-habit-without-willpower
by KDMiller | Personal Development
Intrinsic motivation is one of learning’s most precious resources. It bolsters us to stick out the tough moments of a challenge and pursue what we love to do.
Rachel Simmons
That sounds great, but how do we increase or even get intrinsic motivation? This particular topic has been studied repeatedly. The most interesting theory to date (in my opinion, of course) is Self-Determination Theory (SDT).
SDT “is concerned with supporting our natural or intrinsic tendencies to behave in effective and healthy ways (Self-Determination Theory, 2018). It encompasses, among other things, the idea that if we increase our competence, have supportive relationships, and autonomy then we can expect our intrinsic motivation to increase.
If any one of these is missing, then intrinsic motivation suffers.
Think about this for a minute. When you’re being told what to do, how do you feel? Being told can translate into reduced autonomy. When you don’t feel like you understand what you’re doing, how would you rate your competence level? When other people are nay-sayers as you press on, does it feel like a balloon deflating?
A simple truth is that we need to surround ourselves with a supportive tribe; try, fail, and try again, to increase our competency for a task, and when we’ve truly got “it,” then we need to have the freedom to run with “it.”
What does this take?
Courage
Trust
Love
Hope
At the end of the night, we need to be able to look into a mirror and say, “I own this.”
References:
Self-determination Theory, (n.d.) Retrieved December 19, 2018 from http://selfdeterminationtheory.org/
by KDMiller | Meaning and Purpose
What happens when we go from thinking only about ourselves to thinking from the perspective of others? We grow in empathy and that empathy can develop into compassion.
Compassion is actionable.
It’s also a choice that we have to make. It’s deciding to acknowledge that we’re contributors to the interactions we have with others as well as what results from those interactions. The buck begins and ends with us.
Compassion involves opening ourselves up — becoming vulnerable while helping someone else move forward.
Having an “other” mindset allows us the freedom to take full responsibility for the relationships we build or choose not to build. This mindset pushes us to take a step back and see people as they are.
Some are struggling. What would it be like to struggle like the person in front of us? How can we help them?
Outward mindsets are both simple and complicated. It all begins with us taking ownership over our thinking and then stepping into the shoes of the person in front of us.
This mindset boils down to something simple: Treat others the way we want to be treated. Or, as Stephen Covey once said, “seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
References
Covey, S. (1989) 7 Habits of highly effective people. New York: Simon & Schuster.
The Arbinger Institute (2016). The outward mindset: seeing beyond ourselves. Oakland, CA: Berrett-Koehler Publishers
by KDMiller | Happiness and Well-being
Vulnerability is about showing up and being seen. It’s tough to do that when we’re terrified about what people might see or think.
Brene Brown
A curious thing happened today. For two weeks I’ve posted a survey in a particular Facebook group with a single question: How would you rate your level of happiness during the past week? Respondents were provided a familiar Likert-type scale. Most of us recognize this kind of rating without knowing its name. In the survey, participants could choose from among the following: excellent, very good, good, not very good, awful. The posting was prefaced with “this is an unofficial and informal survey” so that anyone participating could certainly opt out.
Today someone responded to the post negatively. She went so far as to tell me to “go away.” This made me wonder.
The group’s focus is to have discussion and debate about issues relating to their community. Certainly, one’s level of happiness could fall into this category. The first time I posted, a man inquired as to whether what I was posting applied to the group. After inviting him to investigate my mission, there were no more questions.
What is it about discussing happiness that is so offensive?
Nothing. What it is though is scary. It’s scary for us to open ourselves up to others and admit how happy or unhappy we truly are. That makes us vulnerable.
The woman or an admin removed her comment. That was equally intriguing.
Vulnerability means weakness in the eyes of many, but in this knowledge-based economy, one in which emotional intelligence matters, maybe being vulnerable is the key to a successful, happy life.
by KDMiller | Personal Development
A good spicy challenge strikes a balance between flavour and fear.
Adam Richman
Why do we challenge ourselves? Sometimes it’s to prove something to someone else, but oftentimes it’s simply to prove something to ourselves.
We all have that voice in our head. You know the one I’m talking about. It nags at you. Sometimes it screams at you.
“You’re a fraud!”
“You don’t know what you’re doing!”
“You suck!”
But that voice isn’t true.
When we’re on the edge, learning something new, working toward becoming an expert, we’re not a fraud. We’re an explorer.
When we don’t yet know exactly what we’re doing. We’re an explorer.
When that nasty little voice pouts, “You suck!” It’s because it’s not an explorer. But you and I are.
The language we use to describe our world matters. Challenges can be accepted or denied. You and I are the kind of people who accept challenges, whip them about, make them ours, and keep moving forward.
by KDMiller | Meaning and Purpose, Personal Development
Do or do not. There is no try.
Yoda
After you’ve made your choice and the dust has settled, it’s time to commit to your path. You might think that you did when you made the choice. Nope. It happens after that.
How many times have you made a choice only to constantly question it after the fact? You weren’t committed.
Making a choice is step one. Committing to that choice — going “all in, balls to the wall,” is step two.
Some of you are afraid to fully commit to your choices. If you are, then I’d like you to re-think the word fear. Here’s your new mantra:
Fabulous
Effort
Absolutely
Required
Commit to your path. Relish in it. Own it.
by KDMiller | Happiness and Well-being, Meaning and Purpose
How we begin our morning sets the tone for the rest of our day.
I could leave this entire article at that, but I won’t.
A few years ago something happened that upset my apple cart, so to speak. Maybe you’ve experienced a similar feeling.
During the night, I’d feel this churning in the pit of my stomach. Soon it would move to my chest. Breathing would become difficult and I’d wake, gasping for air.
I’d been sleeping the entire time. Imagining.
Imagining, what? Who knows?
I would awake, gasping to catch a breath.
This feeling – sensation – stemmed from not making the choices that I knew needed to be made. I know this because once a choice was made, the sensation — the inability to breath, to sleep through the night — stopped.
What stops us from making the tough choices we need to make so that we not only survive, but thrive? What are we afraid of?
These are the two questions we need to answer if we hope to find meaning and purpose. People who’ve answered these questions might still fear some things, but they don’t fear making the choices that propel them toward fulfilling their mission.
Finding your one thing is part art, part fearlessness, and a whole lot of simply being willing to make the choices that matter most to our inner voice.
You know that voice. We all do.
by KDMiller | Self-Management
Memories are just stories we tell ourselves about our past, and that’s often why they don’t match when we’ve shared the same experiences with someone.
~ John Slattery
Have you ever experienced a time when you and a close friend (or spouse) are debating about a particular event you both attended, but that you have very different memories of? Me, too.
This happens in part because we’re different people, but also because of how our memories get encoded (stored.) Think of your memory like a filing system. Sometimes stuff gets lost or mixed up because so many people are handling the file.
But, in this case, it’s primarily us handling the file at different ages and stages of our lives.
Each time we dig the file out, we affect the memory so when it gets put back it’s different. Consequently, each time we retrieve it, the memory has changed.
When we construct stories about ourselves, they’re often based on memories that we’ve inadvertently manipulated simply by recalling them time and again.
This is important to remember when we construct the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves OR when we buy into the stories others tell us about ourselves.
Memories are fragile.
