Happiness is a cocktail. The right mix can do wonders for our sense of well-being. But what is the right mix? And can we be happy all the time?
Being happy is fleeting. It’s one of those feelings that ebbs and flows, so to expect to “be happy” all of the time is unrealistic.
But, can we be happy more often?
Yes! Here’s the secret sauce (make sure you share this with everyone you meet!)
Engage with other people. Really, truly connect with others.
That’s it. I know, there’s this other dot, but the secret sauce is this one thing. It’s like what Jack Palance’s character said in City Slickers.
So, it’s not so much a cocktail. It’s more like a straight-up shot of Tequila without the worm or headache. (And who wants a headache, anyway?)
Let’s spend a little more time connecting with other people, laughing, crying, and basically being human.
References
Aucubehill (2006, Nov. 15). Finding your one thing. Retrieved December 9, 2018 from https://youtu.be/2k1uOqRb0HU
Berkley Wellness (2018). What is the Science of Happiness? Retrieved December 9, 2018 from http://www.berkeleywellness.com/healthy-mind/mind-body/article/what-science-happiness
Ducharme, J. (2018, Feb. 14). This is the amount of money you need to be happy, according to research. Money. Retrieved December 9, 2018 fromhttp://time.com/money/5157625/ideal-income-study/
Doing good holds the power to transform us on the inside, and then ripple out in ever-expanding circles that positively impact the world at large.
Shari Arison
Do you volunteer your time? Why do you do that? For many of us, we volunteer because there’s a need. And that’s very true. But there’s another reason we do it.
Volunteering, or participating in any good action, makes us feel good. Researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky has studied happiness for years. In her work, she’s identified the association between doing good and feeling good.
You might be thinking, “Why would anyone need to study that?” Go ahead and google, “how to be happier.” You’re going to get about 149,000,000 results. We’re living in a time when people are working more and (generally) earning more but are less happy.
Lyubomirsky says there are three reasons doing good makes us feel good.
When we perform an act of kindness, we feel part of the larger community; we feel part of something bigger than ourselves.
Helping others can relieve the guilt we might have when we feel helpless to respond to truly tragic or horrific acts.
Acts of kindness change how we see ourselves.
Being kind to others in whatever shape it takes, gets us out of our own heads. And that can be a very healthy thing.
A simple way to sum this up is:
Social connection + positive feelings + positive thoughts = feeling good because we’re doing good.
Reference (s)
Lyubomirsky, S (2018). Papers and publications. Retrieved December 8, 2018 from http://sonjalyubomirsky.com/
All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.
Havelock Ellis
Whatever is holding us down and keeping us from going after what we say we want is probably something we need to let go.
Whatever is occupying our minds to the point of obsession is probably something we need to let go.
Have you ever chastised yourself for a mistake you might have made only to discover later that either you didn’t make one, or it wasn’t nearly as big a deal as you thought? Me, too.
Being present in the moment is about letting go of stuff — baggage — that’s weighing us down and making us trip over ourselves. It’s keeping us from appreciating and enjoying what’s happening right now.
There are a few lessons in life that are critically important to learn. One of them is knowing when to let something go so that we can focus on the present.
Everything you’ll ever need to know about positioning yourself for success can be learned from watching cats “play fight.”
We have two “inside” cats who vie for power every day. There’s been an increase in their struggle for position since one of our other “inside” cats died a few weeks ago. She was the “middle” kitty protected by the alpha male and despised by the beta male. Now that she’s gone, Dobby (beta) is attacking Harry (alpha).
Harry will win. He always wins. Harry is fatter and arguably slower because of his weight, but he’s infinitely more experienced than Dobby. He’s also more daring. He’s that cat we warn others not to touch. He’s my guard cat.
Some people think I’m joking when I say that.
Jiujitsu is all about technique and experience. Both Harry and Dobby are declawed (front paws – not by us). For a long time I wouldn’t let them outside, but Harry begged. Dobby was scared to venture out.
Now, they’ve both spent so much time outside that Harry has learned when to come inside while Dobby stubbornly remains out. There are coyotes, raccoons, opossums, foxes, and feral cats roaming around our property.
Harry has dispensed with every feral cat that he deemed unworthy. Meanwhile, Dobby kills mice. Nice, but Harry can do that, too.
Harry is a no-nonsense fighter. He’s got more “moves” at his disposal, knows when to execute them, and wins every fight he and Dobby have.
Does this mean the young can’t win? No, but it does mean that they might want to take time learning the basics because, at least in kitty jiujutsu, it’s the basics that win every time.
I’ll have to follow this up with an article about spiders and location. You’ll like it even if you’re terrified of spiders as much as I am.
Is this actually possible? Can we find meaning everywhere? What does it mean to “find meaning?”
This has been a topic of study for more than 50 years, and we still don’t have a complete grasp of it.
What is meaning?
Is it about the work we do? What if we hate our job?
Is it volunteer work? What if we do that because we feel obligated?
How do we find meaning in the mundane? Wait, how do we define mundane?
How do we find meaning in tragedy?
Viktor Frankl asserted that we’re in a constant search for meaning and that our stress and anxiety is rooted in this need to find it. It can be found in happy, sad, and tragic moments (Frankl, 1984).
In Buddhist traditions we learn that life is suffering because of our attachments, i.e., our selfish desire to hold on to things, people, places, etc. (High Commissioner’s Dialogue on Protection Challenges, 2012).
Maybe meaning is simply finding our “why?” as Simon Sinek postulated in his first Ted Talk (TED, 2009).
Regardless of our beliefs about meaning, one thing is clear. Most, if not all of us, are searching. We want to know why we’re here.
Bu then, maybe the answer is 42.
It isn’t. Mark Twain is credited with saying “The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”
Sinek is spot on, and finding your “why” has little to do with the work you do, and everything with how you live the life you’ve got.
References
Burton, N. (2012, May 24). Man’s search for meaning. Psychology Today. Retrieved December 6, 2018 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hide-and-seek/201205/mans-search-meaning
Frankl, V. (1984). Man’s search for meaning. New York, NY: Washington Square Books.
High Commissioner’s Dialogue on Protection Challenges, (2012, November 20). The Buddhist core values and perspectives for protection challenges: faith and protection.
Sinek, S. (2009). How great leaders inspire action. Retrieved December 6, 2018 from https://www.ted.com/talks/simon_sinek_how_great_leaders_inspire_action?language=en
Victor Frankl Institute, 2018. Retrieved December 6, 2018 from https://www.hostgator.com/help/article/hostgator-free-ssl
What does it mean to be an authentic leader even when you’re not in a traditional leadership role?
Authentic people regardless of status “walk the walk, and talk the talk.” They know, understand, and appreciate their strengths, weaknesses, and values. They know how to communicate these three things verbally, in writing, and through their body language. They are consistent.
Authentic people have congruency between what they value and what they do that brings meaning to their lives. These are the people we want to be around. They help us see our own strengths while not calling unnecessary attention to all of our weaknesses. Their touch is light but direct and sincere.
Being an authentic leader applies to many areas beyond the traditional workplace. Think about your teenager who others want to follow because sh/e respects and listens to them, and seems to have an uncanny confidence without all the swagger.
Maybe you know a little girl whom some call bossy without realizing that she’s displaying raw leadership that needs to be honed. She can learn to identify what she values and how to better communicate that to others. You and I simply need to be role models.
Authentic leadership development theory encompasses four areas: self-awareness, relational transparency, balanced processing, and an internalized moral perspective (Dik, Byrne, & Steger, 2017, p. 220). Of these, self-awareness and an internalized moral perspective are the most critical.
These two are the areas we can learn and teach others to practice. When we know our values and allow them to guide our decision-making and relationships we feel at peace with ourselves. When we feel at peace, we feel a greater sense of meaning/purpose. We’re also better able to engage in relational transparency and to look at things objectively because we have no agenda other than to be of service to others.
References
Byrne, Z.S., Dik, B.J.& Steger, M. F. (2017). Purpose and meaning in the workplace. Washington DC: American Psychological Association.
I know you’ve seen that before. It was all the rage in the mid-to-late 90’s when I entered the training & development field (now called “training & learning.”) But is it true?
From a purely emotional contagion perspective, yeah, it is. And deep down we all know this.
Imagine your day got off on the wrong foot. Maybe you had an argument with a loved one. Maybe your kids were dinking around and made you late. Whatever it was, if you didn’t leave that baggage at the door before entering your work environment, what are the odds that it screwed up the rest of your morning or even your day?
Worse still, how did your attitude negatively affect those around you?
We’re all grown-ups capable of managing our behavior and emotions, but sometimes — let’s be real – we suck at it.
When we allow others to whip our emotions like batter, and mix us all up, who’s ultimately responsible? We’ve got to learn to let some stuff go for the greater good (usually our own sanity) so that we maintain control of our sense of well-being.
This is one lesson worth spreading. If not for own sake’s then for the sake of our children. Emotional contagion – picking up on the feeling state of another person – is real. Mirror neurons have something to do with it. We’re wired to connect with others. We know when something feels off.
And so does everyone else.
If you want to succeed in business, and in life, understanding this is crucial.
Sometimes, getting a new habit to take hold is like trying to walk on ice without falling on your butt.
A few years ago determined to find out why a new habit can get thrown off course, I read everything I could find about behavior change. I came across lots of great information that all basically came to similar conclusions.
Don’t take on more than one new habit at a time.
Sandwich the new habit, i.e., anchor it to something you already do (like one pushup after using the bathroom and before washing your hands.)
Create “baby steps” for your habit. Instead of 10 pushups, just do 1 to get yourself started.
Congratulate yourself for every successful completion of your new habit.
Plan for setbacks. (This is HUGE!)
Avoid self-criticism when you’re not meeting your target.
Surround yourself with people who are supportive of your change.
Change your environment to better support your new habit.
Learn about your new habit. Become fascinated with it. (I believe this increases your sense of competence for what you’re doing. I didn’t read this anywhere, necessarily, but it’s my approach based on the Self-Determination Theory of Motivation.)
Each one of these could be another post, so let’s just focus on “plan for setbacks” for now.
The easiest example is establishing a new exercise routine. What will you do if you get sick and can’t work out? What if you have a bad head cold, or the flu? What if you have a migraine?
Each type of temporary illness needs a plan of attack for getting back into your routine. (Yes, migraines are temporary. Generally, a migraine incident doesn’t last forever. I don’t recommend trying to work out while having one, though. I know I certainly don’t.)
Not having a plan is exactly what threw my exercise habit off course a few years ago. And I’d been doing it for nearly a year!
The fix was simple: If I can’t work out, I can at least walk around my house – either inside or out – for five to ten minutes. If I can’t complete my upper limit for pushups, I can complete my lower limit (depending on how sick I am that limit might revert all the way back to one versus 100.) And when I’m back to 100% better, then I pick up where I left off before getting sick.
It’s not going to be easy to get back into your new habit, but if it’s important to you, then you’ll make it happen.
A plan is arguably the most important part of making a new habit stick.
References
Self-Determination Theory (2018) Retrieved December 2, 2018 from http://selfdeterminationtheory.org/
“Begin each day as if it were on purpose.” – Alex Hitchens, Hitch
Google “morning routines” and you’ll get about 83,500,000 results. That’s crazy! Why are so many of us so interested in this one topic?
Because it matters.
How we start our day sets us up for a positive, neutral, or negative experience. And who really wants to spend their life being neutral or negative?
In Michael Steger’s Ted Talk, “What makes life meaningful,” he said, “Life is short. It’s easy to waste and hard to use.” If we aren’t active participants in our lives, why should anyone else be?
If you haven’t committed to establishing your morning routine, then you’re basically letting everyone else do it for you. That’s living in the neutral zone.
If your day starts with a negative, what are the odds that it’ll be that way all or most of the day? Steger also said, “they’re also all those other people right who litter all of our collective landscapes with these tragically misspent moments, these destructive ticking time bombs of a life not considered.”
Are you that “ticking time bomb?”
Let’s pinky swear right now that none of us will ever be that.
But where should we begin?
A logical place to start making changes is with how we begin our day. There are a few important ideas to keep in mind as you tackle this new habit.
You need to get up at a specific, consistent time every day. (Google “Why do I need to get up at the same time every day?” You’ll get about 245,000,000 results if you want to know why or Search Google Scholar for “the importance of consistent sleep habits.”)
Get physical! Get your heart pumping a little bit.
Spend some time with your thoughts. (Mindfulness activities like meditation — I like Sun Salutations in the morning, breathing, and body scanning all are good mental check-ins.)
Plan your day. I love my Panda Planner! Be sure to identify your passion project and big rocks for the day. Anything related to those need to happen before you go to bed.
Delegate whatever can be delegated. You don’t need to do everything all of the time.
If you’re the primary caregiver, then you’ll probably need to get up a little earlier so you can have the “me time” necessary to calibrate your day. (I call my morning routine calibration and my evening routine re-calibration.)
Accept that there will be times when things don’t go according to plan. That’s okay! Pick up where you left off, and just “keep swimming!” (By now you should know I make a lot of move references. Dory is awesome.)
Living our lives on purpose every, single, day means engaging with ourselves. After we do that, then we’re better able to be of service to others. And honestly, that’s what helps our lives have meaning.
I started with a movie quote, so I should end with one.
“I don’t want to be a product of my environment, I want my environment to be a product of me.” – Frank Costello, The Departed
Having never seen the movie, I feel I need to add, “In a positive, pro-social, pro-active, loving way that allows us to be of service to others.”
References
Steger, M. (2018). What makes life meaningful? Retrieved December 1, 2018 from http://www.michaelfsteger.com/
Steger, M. Current and past research. Retrieved December 1, 2018 from https://scholar.google.com/citations?user=T7nZ93UAAAAJ&hl=en
Changing or replacing a bad habit is hard, time-consuming work that might not pan out. Right? You’ve tried to do it before so you already know that by the third or fourth week, or maybe two months from now, you’ll be back to square one.
But will you, really? The process of changing a habit certainly creates new neural pathways in our brains. Each time we successfully move toward the new habit and away from the old one, those paths get stronger.
The problem is that it doesn’t happen as fast as we’d like. We become impatient because we want the change to happen now. We forget that in all likelihood the bad habit (though easier to pick up perhaps) still took time to take root.
A habit is something we basically do without effort or much thought. It’s like driving your car, riding a bike, getting dressed or any other behavior that we repeatedly do. It takes time for the habit to become second nature, and for some habits, it takes upwards of five years (Pro-Change, 2018).
Patient, steady persistence will get you where you want to go with your new habit. Will it be easy? Nope. But nothing worth having or changing is typically easy to have or do.
You will stumble. You will get tired. And then you’ll pick yourself back up, remember why you want to change that bad habit, and in the immortal words of Walt Disney, “keep moving forward.”
References:
Pro-Change (2018). The Transtheoretical Model. Retrieved from https://www.prochange.com/transtheoretical-model-of-behavior-change November 30, 2018.
