by KMiller | Dec 19, 2018 | Personal Development
Intrinsic motivation is one of learning’s most precious resources. It bolsters us to stick out the tough moments of a challenge and pursue what we love to do.
Rachel Simmons
That sounds great, but how do we increase or even get intrinsic motivation? This particular topic has been studied repeatedly. The most interesting theory to date (in my opinion, of course) is Self-Determination Theory (SDT).
SDT “is concerned with supporting our natural or intrinsic tendencies to behave in effective and healthy ways (Self-Determination Theory, 2018). It encompasses, among other things, the idea that if we increase our competence, have supportive relationships, and autonomy then we can expect our intrinsic motivation to increase.
If any one of these is missing, then intrinsic motivation suffers.
Think about this for a minute. When you’re being told what to do, how do you feel? Being told can translate into reduced autonomy. When you don’t feel like you understand what you’re doing, how would you rate your competence level? When other people are nay-sayers as you press on, does it feel like a balloon deflating?
A simple truth is that we need to surround ourselves with a supportive tribe; try, fail, and try again, to increase our competency for a task, and when we’ve truly got “it,” then we need to have the freedom to run with “it.”
What does this take?
Courage
Trust
Love
Hope
At the end of the night, we need to be able to look into a mirror and say, “I own this.”
References:
Self-determination Theory, (n.d.) Retrieved December 19, 2018 from http://selfdeterminationtheory.org/
by KMiller | Dec 18, 2018 | Meaning and Purpose
What happens when we go from thinking only about ourselves to thinking from the perspective of others? We grow in empathy and that empathy can develop into compassion.
Compassion is actionable.
It’s also a choice that we have to make. It’s deciding to acknowledge that we’re contributors to the interactions we have with others as well as what results from those interactions. The buck begins and ends with us.
Compassion involves opening ourselves up — becoming vulnerable while helping someone else move forward.
Having an “other” mindset allows us the freedom to take full responsibility for the relationships we build or choose not to build. This mindset pushes us to take a step back and see people as they are.
Some are struggling. What would it be like to struggle like the person in front of us? How can we help them?
Outward mindsets are both simple and complicated. It all begins with us taking ownership over our thinking and then stepping into the shoes of the person in front of us.
This mindset boils down to something simple: Treat others the way we want to be treated. Or, as Stephen Covey once said, “seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
References
Covey, S. (1989) 7 Habits of highly effective people. New York: Simon & Schuster.
The Arbinger Institute (2016). The outward mindset: seeing beyond ourselves. Oakland, CA: Berrett-Koehler Publishers
by KMiller | Dec 17, 2018 | Happiness and Well-being
Vulnerability is about showing up and being seen. It’s tough to do that when we’re terrified about what people might see or think.
Brene Brown
A curious thing happened today. For two weeks I’ve posted a survey in a particular Facebook group with a single question: How would you rate your level of happiness during the past week? Respondents were provided a familiar Likert-type scale. Most of us recognize this kind of rating without knowing its name. In the survey, participants could choose from among the following: excellent, very good, good, not very good, awful. The posting was prefaced with “this is an unofficial and informal survey” so that anyone participating could certainly opt out.
Today someone responded to the post negatively. She went so far as to tell me to “go away.” This made me wonder.
The group’s focus is to have discussion and debate about issues relating to their community. Certainly, one’s level of happiness could fall into this category. The first time I posted, a man inquired as to whether what I was posting applied to the group. After inviting him to investigate my mission, there were no more questions.
What is it about discussing happiness that is so offensive?
Nothing. What it is though is scary. It’s scary for us to open ourselves up to others and admit how happy or unhappy we truly are. That makes us vulnerable.
The woman or an admin removed her comment. That was equally intriguing.
Vulnerability means weakness in the eyes of many, but in this knowledge-based economy, one in which emotional intelligence matters, maybe being vulnerable is the key to a successful, happy life.
by KMiller | Dec 16, 2018 | Personal Development
A good spicy challenge strikes a balance between flavour and fear.
Adam Richman
Why do we challenge ourselves? Sometimes it’s to prove something to someone else, but oftentimes it’s simply to prove something to ourselves.
We all have that voice in our head. You know the one I’m talking about. It nags at you. Sometimes it screams at you.
“You’re a fraud!”
“You don’t know what you’re doing!”
“You suck!”
But that voice isn’t true.
When we’re on the edge, learning something new, working toward becoming an expert, we’re not a fraud. We’re an explorer.
When we don’t yet know exactly what we’re doing. We’re an explorer.
When that nasty little voice pouts, “You suck!” It’s because it’s not an explorer. But you and I are.
The language we use to describe our world matters. Challenges can be accepted or denied. You and I are the kind of people who accept challenges, whip them about, make them ours, and keep moving forward.
by KMiller | Dec 15, 2018 | Meaning and Purpose, Personal Development
Do or do not. There is no try.
Yoda
After you’ve made your choice and the dust has settled, it’s time to commit to your path. You might think that you did when you made the choice. Nope. It happens after that.
How many times have you made a choice only to constantly question it after the fact? You weren’t committed.
Making a choice is step one. Committing to that choice — going “all in, balls to the wall,” is step two.
Some of you are afraid to fully commit to your choices. If you are, then I’d like you to re-think the word fear. Here’s your new mantra:
Fabulous
Effort
Absolutely
Required
Commit to your path. Relish in it. Own it.
by KMiller | Dec 14, 2018 | Happiness and Well-being, Meaning and Purpose
How we begin our morning sets the tone for the rest of our day.
I could leave this entire article at that, but I won’t.
A few years ago something happened that upset my apple cart, so to speak. Maybe you’ve experienced a similar feeling.
During the night, I’d feel this churning in the pit of my stomach. Soon it would move to my chest. Breathing would become difficult and I’d wake, gasping for air.
I’d been sleeping the entire time. Imagining.
Imagining, what? Who knows?
I would awake, gasping to catch a breath.
This feeling – sensation – stemmed from not making the choices that I knew needed to be made. I know this because once a choice was made, the sensation — the inability to breath, to sleep through the night — stopped.
What stops us from making the tough choices we need to make so that we not only survive, but thrive? What are we afraid of?
These are the two questions we need to answer if we hope to find meaning and purpose. People who’ve answered these questions might still fear some things, but they don’t fear making the choices that propel them toward fulfilling their mission.
Finding your one thing is part art, part fearlessness, and a whole lot of simply being willing to make the choices that matter most to our inner voice.
You know that voice. We all do.
by KMiller | Dec 13, 2018 | Self-Management
Memories are just stories we tell ourselves about our past, and that’s often why they don’t match when we’ve shared the same experiences with someone.
~ John Slattery
Have you ever experienced a time when you and a close friend (or spouse) are debating about a particular event you both attended, but that you have very different memories of? Me, too.
This happens in part because we’re different people, but also because of how our memories get encoded (stored.) Think of your memory like a filing system. Sometimes stuff gets lost or mixed up because so many people are handling the file.
But, in this case, it’s primarily us handling the file at different ages and stages of our lives.
Each time we dig the file out, we affect the memory so when it gets put back it’s different. Consequently, each time we retrieve it, the memory has changed.
When we construct stories about ourselves, they’re often based on memories that we’ve inadvertently manipulated simply by recalling them time and again.
This is important to remember when we construct the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves OR when we buy into the stories others tell us about ourselves.
Memories are fragile.
by KMiller | Dec 12, 2018 | Meaning and Purpose
Who do you serve? Think on that a minute before you answer.
Recently, a group of Girl Scouts, their leader, and I experienced two very different perspectives on this.
We all serve someone in some capacity. But are we doing it well? Are we doing our best to help them feel that they matter?
Having a service orientation when interacting with people we meet every day, simply makes our day run more smoothly. A side benefit is that it helps them, too!
Is that a selfish, non-altruistic way to view it? Yeah, maybe. But, when we do good for others, we all feel good (Lyubomirsky, 2018) and isn’t that the point of service? Don’t we want others to feel good? Don’t we want others to feel as though we’ve treated them with respect, compassion, and consideration?
Why? Because that’s how we all want to be treated.
All of us could swap stories about times when this didn’t happen to us. That’s not the point.
Right here, right now, what we need to do is start from a service orientation.
Serving others = Doing good = feeling good.
Reference (s)
Lyubomirsky, S (2018). Papers and publications. Retrieved December 8, 2018 from http://sonjalyubomirsky.com/
by KMiller | Dec 11, 2018 | Habit formation
How do you know when to walk away from a goal you’ve set? What are the red flags that something is about to implode?
The number one sign is that you’re no longer “all in.” Most of us know what that feels like. There’s a nagging voice in your head telling you that whatever you’re supposed to be doing can wait a little longer, or until the next day, or next week.
When that happens, you’ll make excuses that sound so convincing that you begin to allow your goal to slip away.
It can start innocently. Maybe a friend suggests going to a movie when you’re supposed to be going to the gym. You figure, “It’s just this one time.” Then something else comes up around your scheduled gym time and it’s that much easier to say yes.
New habits are a promise you’re making to yourself. They’re a spit on your palm handshake followed by a pinky swear.
You never break a pinky swear.
Every goal you set can be broken down into smaller parts. Each small part is a pinky swear you need to keep.
Things that aren’t tracked, don’t get done.
Grab a calendar put it where you’ll always see it, and make a check mark for every single pinky swear you keep.
by KMiller | Dec 10, 2018 | Personal Development
Everything we need to know about collaboration we can learn from preschoolers.
If you’ve ever spent more than fifteen minutes around preschoolers, you know that things don’t always go smoothly. But, you also know that they “say it like it is” — from their perspective, of course.
They’re not afraid to “call someone out” for taking their (or someone else’s) crayon. They’re quick to say, “Look at me!” And, they love tattling, which doesn’t seem to disappear for several years.
They’re also skilled in the art of building fast friendships that help them create. And they love creating. It can be anything from a giant train track or lego worlds to skyscrapers made from blocks or long domino structures.
In the beginning, there’s usually a child building independently, but then, another comes along.
“Hey, can I play with you?”
“Yes!” (I swear this happens 9 out of 10 times.)
Off they go to create something fantastic.
Interestingly, there’s little arguing. They settle into their roles: engineer, architect, or storyteller with a single objective — make IT amazing.
And amazing IT is.
How can we work with others to make something “amazing?”
