Researchers now know that we have a set-point for happiness. Oftentimes it’s compared to weight because it fluctuates. It’s also different for each person.
Before we dig into what contributes to our set-point, we should probably talk about what happiness is and isn’t.
Happiness isn’t…
Making lots of money. According to research, the magic number in the US is about $75,000/year. Basically, it’s enough to take care of our needs, and some of our wants.
Having lots of stuff.
Ignoring our negative feelings and being “happy” all the time.
Comparing ourselves to everyone else who we think is better off. Social media is horrible for contributing to our feelings of being “less than.”
Happiness is…
How good we feel from one day to the next
How satisfied we are with our lives
a journey with ups and downs, and some neutral thrown in for good measure
Image credit: AbsolutVision via Pixabay
What is this magic set-point researchers speak of?
I’m glad you asked!
Here’s how the numbers breakdown (roughly)
50% genetics
10% circumstances
40% our thoughts, actions, and behaviors
Wait, what?
Yes, you read that correctly. We have control over about 40%. We might even be able to control the 10% depending on what those circumstances are.
Here are my questions for you:
What if you could experience more day-to-day happiness?
What if you could influence your set-point?
Would you do it?
Just in case you’re nodding your head, here are five ways scientists at Happify tell us we can do just that!
Savor. The next time you go for a walk and see a beautiful sunset, stop and take it all in. When you’re enjoying a treat, take a minute to appreciate how it smells, the feel of it in your hand (if possible), how it looks, its texture, and its taste. You’ll soon realize that you can savor lots of moments throughout your day.
Express gratitude. Keeping a gratitude journal increases your happiness by about 25%, according to current studies. In fact, a few hours journaling over a 3-week period can lead to positive effects for 6 months or more.
Aspire. Be hopeful. Make realistic goals for yourself, including mini-goals. Check them off one by one. As you see yourself accomplishing them you’ll create a positive feedback loop = more hope, and more feelings of happiness.
Give. It’s not only the receiver who feels good in the exchange. When we give of our time, our money, or anything else, we get a big boost to our happiness level. Check out this post about happy brain chemicals.
Empathize. This involves being able to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes. It’s perspective-taking. It’s non-judgmental. Included here are compassion and self-compassion. Compassion is action-oriented. We see someone in need of our help, and we provide it. Self-compassion is recognizing our need to be understood and accepted.
A note on self-compassion
When you feel compelled to allow that voice in your head to speak to you in a way that no other is allowed, here’s what I want you to do. Ask yourself:
What would my best friend say to me right now?
Chances are they’d show you compassion.
Happiness is part science and part art.
How will you increase your happiness tomorrow?
Interested in where those numbers came from? Check out Pursuit of happiness: The architecture of sustainable change by Lyubomirsky, Sheldon & Schkade (2005).
There’s a famous Stanford study about delayed gratification that involved kids and marshmallows. It went something like this:
Researchers guided children one at a time into a room. Inside the room was a table with a marshmallow on it. The researcher told the child that if she waited just 15 minutes, when the researcher returned the child would receive two marshmallows.
Note: Sometimes the reward was a cookie or pretzel. The children had a median age of 4 years, 6 months, so really any of the choices would have attracted their attention!
Some of the children ate the treat straight-up, no chaser. Others tried everything in their power to not eat the treat. They would cover their eyes, sing, and turn away. The point is that some kids distracted themselves and waited.
But not necessarily patiently.
Image credit: Studio Essen via Pixabay CCO Creative Commons
This study popped into my head a few nights ago. As a Christmas gift for our family, we purchased a Hulu subscription.
While I don’t spend time watching TV (no cable for at least 13 years) I do enjoy a little down time via Netflix and Prime, but neither of those has the most recent episodes of Gothem.
And I love watching Gotham.
That’s the problem.
Anyone who has Netflix knows that when a TV show becomes available on Netflix, the entire season is available, but there’s usually a waiting period before this happens. Sometimes the wait is a full year!
What do we do when our favorite show magically appears on Netflix? We binge the entire season the minute it becomes available. We lose sleep just so we can watch our beloved show.
Ok, maybe that’s just me.
Back to Hulu.
The most recent episodes of Gotham are available week-to-week just like shows were when I was a kid. (Back then we had to get up to change the channel. There was no remote. The kids were the remote. High five if you can relate! I remember when my family got cable. That was a big deal.)
When I finished watching Gotham, I felt satisfied. It was a strange feeling. I knew I wouldn’t be able to watch the next episode immediately, but that was okay.
That’s delayed gratification. And, guess what? It felt pretty good.
How do you know when you’re in “the zone?” What does it feel like?
Being “in the zone,” also known as flow in positive psychology research is something most of us has experienced.
Maybe you were focused on a problem at work and suddenly had a breakthrough.
Maybe you were writing and the words began to flow from your mind with little effort.
Experiencing flow or being “in the zone” happens differently for everyone, but there are several key elements these experiences all share.
There’s a balance between the challenge and the skill required.
We’re completely immersed in the task at hand. Our mind isn’t wondering.
We’ve got clearly defined goals
Feedback is immediate and consistent.
We experienced focused concentration.
We have control over what we’re doing.
We’re not self-conscious.
There’s a sense of timelessness.
The activity in intrinsically rewarding.
Flow is the feeling of being completely immersed in an activity that we enjoy. We’re so caught up in the challenge of what we’re doing that we lose track of time.
According to Mihalyi Csikszentmihalyi, the researcher who coined the term, flow, it’s the optimal experience. It’s what we strive for in order to flourish.
Consistent “in the zone” experiences increase our happiness, not hedonic happiness. That kind of happiness has to do with the pursuit of pleasure and the avoidance of pain. That’s not necessarily a bad thing.
But, the kind of happiness I’m talking about fills your entire being. It has to do with meaning and self-realization gained through challenging oneself. The task you’re engaged in stretches you just beyond your skills, but you believe you can accomplish your goal.
In Steve Kotler’s book, The Rise of Superman, he shares 17 triggers that help facilitate getting into flow. They’re divided into four categories.
Psychological (4)
Environmental (3)
Social (9)
Creative (1)
Check out this great slide share explaining each element.
When you think of a “touchstone,” it’s usually a person with whom you can share your deepest desires, hopes, fears, frustrations, and dreams. This is your “go-to” cheerleader/accountability partner.
But what if you don’t have someone in that role?
You need to keep going after your goals and be open to possibilities. While you’re developing yourself, you will begin to gain exposure to more people who can step into this position. But, you need to be vigilant and patient.
Touchstones are your inner circle. They look after you, mentally and sometimes physically. They challenge and uplift you. In colloquial terms, “They’ve got your back.”
So what about worry dolls?
When I was a little girl, I received a small lidded basket filled with tiny worry dolls. I loved them! I knew they were from Guatemala, but that was about all. At the time, I didn’t understand their purpose.
Image credit: Kori D. Miller
Recently, I received a new set (my first has been MIA for many years.) These are like the above picture.
Worry dolls let you leave your worries with them. The legend is that you whisper your worries to them, place them beneath your pillow, and you’ll sleep more soundly.
This is akin to writing your worries in a journal before bed or using worry beads. The bottom line is that you’re freeing your mind so that you are able to sleep. For those who don’t want to try mediation (guided or traditional), this might be a viable option.
It’s important to allow your mind to rest because that’s the time memories are consolidated and learning occurs. Does learning happen other times? Of course, but this is background processing. Magic happens here.
Have you ever gone to bed thinking about a problem, drifted off to sleep and awakened with a solution based on some whacky dream?
That was background processing in action.
The take-way is this: Find a way to free your mind so that you’re able to rest. Do this by,
Meditating
Visualization
Practicing Tai Chi or Yoga before bed
Journaling
Drawing/doodling
Praying
Using worry dolls
Talking with your “touchstone”
None of us live a worry-free life. The important thing is that we learn how to cope with those moments when worry wants to take over and invade our sleep.
Some of you (I hope several, but if not, you’re in for a treat!) might remember the Carol Burnett Show.
This was one of my mother’s favorite sketch comedy shows along with Laugh-In.
As a young kid, I didn’t always appreciate (understand) the humor, but looking back at the above video had me in stitches!
Why?
Because it’s timeless.
Anyone who’s ever traveled via airplane knows what a hassle it is. Anytime a bit of humor can be injected into the situation is appreciated by all, including the flight crew!
The next time you find yourself stranded at an airport, think about Carol Burnett.
Humor can help us navigate just about any stressful event.
Whenever you’re dealing with challenges, cruise over to YouTube and search for: Humor, comedians, or sketch comedy.
You’ll be glad you did!
Your brain will rest easier at night with a little dose of laughter.
Credit: Swancourt via YouTube: Abbott and Costello
When you’re struggling with a problem, one of the best things you can do is find something to laugh about.
Intuitively, we know this is true.
Laughing reduces stress and anxiety. It gets oxygen flowing (especially the BIG belly laughs that make you cry) and “clears” your head.
Laughter frees our mind and pushes whatever we were stuck processing toward the back. Making our previous unfinished task kind of like a silent movie.
We can’t fully focus on two things at once. This splits our attention. But when we’ve been working on a problem and leave it, our brain doesn’t stop “thinking” about it.
How many times have you experienced an “ah, ha!” moment while doing a task completely unrelated to the one you were actually involved in at that moment?
A lot, right?
If you’re not getting enough laughter in your day-to-day, consider making it a habit.
Schedule time to watch funny movies, videos, or go see a comedian. If you can’t manage that, hang out with your kids (or someone else’s if you don’t have your own.) They’re a guaranteed source of laughter!
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
It’s probably accurate to say that many of us have moments of laziness. Sometimes it’s because we’ve worked long hours, and still need to help children with homework, get everyone fed, make lunches, and get everyone in bed at a reasonable time.
We do all of that, and then think, “It’s time for me to relax.” Which is another way of saying “veg out,” or be lazy for a while. I get it. I’m fairly certain I wore that t-shirt sometime in the past week.
On the surface, this isn’t a “bad” thing. We do need down time.
But what kind of downtime will benefit our brains and bodies most?
Is it several hours in front of a screen watching Netflix, Hulu, or something else? (Oi, how I love Netflix, and more recently Hulu. I have to limit myself to 1-2 hours for the day or I’ll be up all night.)
Probably not.
All those screen time warnings we see for children and teens apply to us, too.
When we’re engaged with our screens, we’re disconnecting with the people around us. We are social creatures who need contact. That contact can come from engagement via our devices, but it’s certainly not ideal.
Ask anyone whose been deployed how ideal that is. Or, someone who travels for their living. That type of connection is their “lifeline” to their most important people, but it’s not even close to an acceptable replacement.
You always have two choices: your commitment versus your fear.
Sammy Davis, Jr.
You’re standing in front of this door. Behind you are all of the places you’ve traveled, the people you’ve met, and the choices that have landed you here.
Photo credit: Qimono via Pixabay
What do you do?
Do you stay on this side of lucky number 13, or do you open the door?
Do you take a little peek, or do you step through without a glance back?
Stepping into the unknown is a strange combination of trepidation and exhilaration.
Which one tugs at your being the strongest?
Answering this question, gives you tremendous insights into who you are at your core.
It’s neither good nor bad. It simply is. What you do with the knowledge is up to you.
Challenges, especially of the larger variety help us build resilience. In the spirit of helping you (and me, I’m not going to lie) do that, I’ve created four challenges for you to try. I’ve done each one, and have already started a new one — training for a 1/2 marathon.
You can review and accept a challenge here. Be sure to leave a comment introducing yourself!
Good luck! I look forward to helping you meet your goals!
In the movie “A Knight’s Tale,” young William queries, “Can a man change his stars?”
Of course this has nothing to do with being male, female, black, white, or all the shades in between.
It’s a question about agency, control, and volition.
Do we have control over our lives and how we choose to live? Most of us can truthfully answer yes.
Do we always act as though we do? Not necessarily.
Radical ownership, which I wrote about here is about agency, control, and volition. At our core, our “heart of hearts,” this is what everyone yearns to experience and possess like a precious gem.
When we have it, it’s something that must be protected, but not hidden.
Once we’ve fought our demons and changed our stars, what’s next? We must pave the way for more to follow.
William kept his gem protected, but then this happened:
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