by KDMiller | Meaning and Purpose, Personal Development
Do or do not. There is no try.
Yoda
After you’ve made your choice and the dust has settled, it’s time to commit to your path. You might think that you did when you made the choice. Nope. It happens after that.
How many times have you made a choice only to constantly question it after the fact? You weren’t committed.
Making a choice is step one. Committing to that choice — going “all in, balls to the wall,” is step two.
Some of you are afraid to fully commit to your choices. If you are, then I’d like you to re-think the word fear. Here’s your new mantra:
Fabulous
Effort
Absolutely
Required
Commit to your path. Relish in it. Own it.
by KDMiller | Personal Development
Everything we need to know about collaboration we can learn from preschoolers.
If you’ve ever spent more than fifteen minutes around preschoolers, you know that things don’t always go smoothly. But, you also know that they “say it like it is” — from their perspective, of course.
They’re not afraid to “call someone out” for taking their (or someone else’s) crayon. They’re quick to say, “Look at me!” And, they love tattling, which doesn’t seem to disappear for several years.
They’re also skilled in the art of building fast friendships that help them create. And they love creating. It can be anything from a giant train track or lego worlds to skyscrapers made from blocks or long domino structures.
In the beginning, there’s usually a child building independently, but then, another comes along.
“Hey, can I play with you?”
“Yes!” (I swear this happens 9 out of 10 times.)
Off they go to create something fantastic.
Interestingly, there’s little arguing. They settle into their roles: engineer, architect, or storyteller with a single objective — make IT amazing.
And amazing IT is.
How can we work with others to make something “amazing?”
by KDMiller | Personal Development
Everything you’ll ever need to know about positioning yourself for success can be learned from watching cats “play fight.”
We have two “inside” cats who vie for power every day. There’s been an increase in their struggle for position since one of our other “inside” cats died a few weeks ago. She was the “middle” kitty protected by the alpha male and despised by the beta male. Now that she’s gone, Dobby (beta) is attacking Harry (alpha).
Harry will win. He always wins. Harry is fatter and arguably slower because of his weight, but he’s infinitely more experienced than Dobby. He’s also more daring. He’s that cat we warn others not to touch. He’s my guard cat.
Some people think I’m joking when I say that.
Jiujitsu is all about technique and experience. Both Harry and Dobby are declawed (front paws – not by us). For a long time I wouldn’t let them outside, but Harry begged. Dobby was scared to venture out.
Now, they’ve both spent so much time outside that Harry has learned when to come inside while Dobby stubbornly remains out. There are coyotes, raccoons, opossums, foxes, and feral cats roaming around our property.
Harry has dispensed with every feral cat that he deemed unworthy. Meanwhile, Dobby kills mice. Nice, but Harry can do that, too.
Harry is a no-nonsense fighter. He’s got more “moves” at his disposal, knows when to execute them, and wins every fight he and Dobby have.
Does this mean the young can’t win? No, but it does mean that they might want to take time learning the basics because, at least in kitty jiujutsu, it’s the basics that win every time.
I’ll have to follow this up with an article about spiders and location. You’ll like it even if you’re terrified of spiders as much as I am.
by KDMiller | Personal Development
You’ve been following your new diet for a month or so, but you’re not seeing the results you expected. You’ve been following your “dream” project for six months with little success. Should you quit?
The answer is, “it depends.”
When the goal or objective is personal, not professional, then you might want to consider whether you’re still “all in.” If you can be honest with yourself and the answer is “no,” then it’s time to let it go (I feel like I’m channeling Elsa, right now.)
Is that an easy thing to do? Nope.
Why? Because chances are we’re mentally and physically invested. We’ve spent so much time on it. Other people expect us to do it. Oi! You can’t possibly quit, now!
Our hesitance or resistance sometimes comes down to one simple word — Fear. Before I give you my definition of fear, though, let’s talk about why “to persist or not” isn’t necessarily the question we should be asking.
What if what you need to do is adjust?
Maybe you “reshape” what you’re doing and keep going after “it.” Here’s a great question to ask yourself, “Is it still serving a purpose for you?” Or, how about this, “Is your energy better spent elsewhere?” What about this, “Do you need to table it for the moment?” Or even this, “Does your idea need to marinate a little longer?” (Some people might prefer “percolate.” Yeah, that works, too.)
The point is that figuring out whether you persist in order to achieve a goal isn’t a simple answer. It takes a bit of contemplation time. And that’s time worth spending when something matters to you.
Back to how I define fear — It really means “fabulous effort absolutely required.” And anything worth our time to persist doing is going to probably scare us just a little bit.
by KDMiller | Habit formation, Personal Development
It’s New Year’s Eve and for some reason you’ve decided to make a few (don’t lie, several) resolutions. You’re going to lose the muffin top, stop drinking so much, kick the nic habit, spend more time doing/being/etc. … but then you don’t stick with any of them for longer than a month or so.
What happened?
Was it a lack of motivation? You thought you had that on lock.
Was it a lack of willpower? Yeah, maybe, but how do you get more of that? You read somewhere it’s like a “muscle,” but what does that really mean?
If you’re like me, all you want to know is how to develop a habit in any area of your life and make it “sticky.”
You’ve probably read or heard about The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg (Great read, by the way, if you haven’t indulged.) Maybe you’ve even looked into other habit books (there are a few.) And as much as you love them (me. too) something isn’t clicking.
For me, the realization happened when I’d established (I thought) an exercise habit for nearly a year, but when I became ill it became harder and harder to start my routine again. This nagged at me until I finally called BJ Fogg (the Tiny Habit guru.)
From our conversation, I realized that one thing I failed to do was PLAN for being ill, or PLAN for being unable to meet my goal. This might seem basic to you, but it was a revelation for me.
If you want to have indestructible habits one thing you need to do is plan for the times you can’t achieve the goal. Why? Because it can take much longer than you realize to establish a habit.
Remember, a habit, in its most basic form, is something you do without thinking. Some take root so easily your head spins. Others, not so much.
Step one: Make a plan.
by KDMiller | Personal Development
How many times have you failed? Sometimes we have a skewed view of this either because we’re listening to others (and allowing them into our heads,) or we have high standards for ourselves (that might be a bit unrealistic.)
But is all failure bad?
What can we learn from the experience?
The number one thing is resilience. But what is that? The American Psychological Association defines it as, “the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress — such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems or workplace and financial stressors. It means “bouncing back” from difficult experiences” (APA, 2018).
It’s not the same as persistence.
But what if we’re not all that great at “bouncing back?” What if you really suck at it? Here’s the upside …
Resilience, aka grit, has been studied for at least twenty years and there are several actions we can take to make ourselves stronger.
Here are a few of the high points:
- Build healthy relationships
- Accept that change is gonna happen
- Keep an eye on your prize (goals)
- Take care of you, boo.
- Be decisive and ACT.
Check out the reference section for a link to a more detailed list from the APA. Seriously, they know their stuff. And if you’re interested in how to apply it to children/teens, also check out the information from Harvard.
Bottom line? We all can become more resilient, gritty people with a little deliberate practice.
References:
American Psychological Association (2018). The road to resilience. Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/road-resilience.aspx
Center on the Developing Child (2018). Supportive relationships and active skill-building strengthen the foundations of resilience. Retrieved from https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/supportive-relationships-and-active-skill-building-strengthen-the-foundations-of-resilience/
